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Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of population who are aged 15 and younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in those countries? v.2

Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of population who are aged 15 and younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in those countries? v. 2
Some countries witness an increasingly growing of youngsters in the recent years. While there are many people argue that this is a good trend which provides sufficient labour for economy development, there remain some disagreements against this trend. In this essay, I intend to analyze the current and upcoming consequences of this phenomenon. Regarding short-term effects, it is an indisputable fact that countries which have a high proportion of young generation face a burden of bringing up and educating the adolescents. In addition to ensuring food supply and material conditions for children, it is imperative that they should well-educate the young, which leads to poverty and harsh lives in the short time. Take the case of Vietnam as a salient example. In many regions of Vietnam, there are many couples give birth to 5-6 offspring. They find hard to make living with the only bread-winner because one of two people has to take care of their children. In terms of long-term effects, however, those countries with a young population have more advantages of developing economy compared to the remaining. When the adolescents are over 18, which is the minimum age to be hired, they can contribute significantly to manufacturing and research. At the time, moreover, the number of old people decreases, which means there is no need for the government to share the budget for the sake of looking after the old. By way of conclusion, many naysayers oppose to the increase of young people in the population but they fail to see the benefits of it in the long-term. In the years to come, I do believe that population control programs should be adopted to balance the pros and cons of young population.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
countries witness an
increasingly
growing of youngsters in the recent years. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
trend which provides sufficient
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
for economy development, there remain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreements against this trend. In this essay, I intend to analyze the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
and upcoming consequences of this phenomenon.

Regarding short-term effects, it is an indisputable fact that countries which have a high proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation face a burden of bringing up and educating the adolescents.
In addition
to ensuring food supply and material conditions for children, it is imperative that they should well-educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
, which leads to poverty and harsh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in the short time. Take the case of Vietnam as a salient example. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
regions of Vietnam, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
couples give birth to 5-6 offspring. They find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
living with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
bread-winner
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one of two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
to take care of their children.

In terms of long-term effects,
however
, those countries with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
have more advantages of developing economy compared to the remaining. When the adolescents are over 18, which is the minimum age to
be hired
, they can contribute
significantly
to manufacturing and research. At the time,
moreover
, the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decreases, which means there is no need for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to share the budget for the sake of looking after the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

By way of conclusion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
naysayers oppose to the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the benefits of it in the long-term. In the years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
, I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
control programs should
be adopted
to balance the pros and cons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of population who are aged 15 and younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in those countries? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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