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Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages v.1

Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages v. 1
In today's world, everyone dreams of being successful in life. The measure of being successful can be measured by various ways. Although, some individuals believe that success can be measured in monetary terms and some believe otherwise. In my opinion, I think success should not be measured in monetary terms, rather the contentment in life and good health should determine the level of accomplishment for an individual. To begin with, it is very vital for a person to be content in life. This is because, if an individual is happy he would be able to enjoy all the benefits of life which would bring him happiness. For example, a tea shop owner near my house is very content with his life, as with his earnings he is able to take care of his family. In addition, having all the money in life, but not having a peaceful and a happy life can also lead in causing dissatisfaction. Secondly, for an individual to enjoy his achievement, it is important for him to be healthy. If a person has all the wealth in the world, but is not able to enjoy due to health problems, the attainment of wealth will be useless. Being successful always refers to having a healthy mind and body. Success can only be sustained if the individual works towards maintaining his work and at the same time by taking good care of his health. To sum up, the measure of the achievement is difficult to be measured in monetary terms. In my view, it would make more sense in measuring success from the content and healthy life a person would be living.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, everyone dreams of being successful in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The measure of being successful can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measured
by various ways. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measured
in monetary terms and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe
otherwise
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
should not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measured
in monetary terms,
rather
the contentment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health should determine the level of accomplishment for an individual.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
vital for a person to be content in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
is happy he would be able to enjoy all the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
which would bring him happiness.
For example
, a tea shop owner near my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
content with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, as with his earnings he is able to take care of his family.
In addition
, having all the money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not having a peaceful and a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can
also
lead in causing dissatisfaction.

Secondly
, for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to enjoy his achievement, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for him to be healthy. If a person has all the wealth in the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is not able to enjoy due to health problems, the attainment of wealth will be useless. Being successful always refers to having a healthy mind and body.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Success
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be sustained
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
works towards maintaining his work and at the same time by taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of his health.

To sum up, the measure of the achievement is difficult to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measured
in monetary terms. In my view, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more sense in measuring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
from the content and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
a person would be living.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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