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Some children found some subject eg mathematics and philosophy, … difficult so these subjects should be optional instead of compulsory. To what extent, do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some children found some subject eg mathematics and philosophy, … difficult so these subjects should be optional instead of compulsory. v. 1
Undoubtedly, many people, regard some abstract subjects such as mathematics, philosophy, . . . Too tricky to learn. Therefore, a topic central to today’s debate has revolved around a question whether these above-mentioned subjects should be voluntary as opposed to obligatory. Personally, I lean towards believing the official curriculum should not involve those subjects with advanced degree, but have to convey the basic knowledge. On the one hand, it is understandable why many people consider these subjects immensely tough and want to transform their role into optional. First and foremost, Those subjects require learners the highest standard of logic-based learning which is usually seen as a trick, even impossible to many learners, especially those having tendency of using the right hemisphere. Furthermore, if one can not be able to bear with tensions stemming from fast-paced thinking and intense concentration, they will be likely to be faced with a great deal of stress and pressure. Probably, this, thereby, can lead to increasing the likelihood of triggering some psychological illness. On the other hand, conversely, I believe that the education authorities should integrate the elementary part of those subjects into mandatory curriculums since the ones with a basic understanding about those subjects will have more possibility to be successful in their later occupation and become comprehensive citizens. It is rooted in the point that those difficult tasks such as in maths can help students improve their skill of prompt thinking thorough learning and seeking effective ways to deal with obstacles, thereby, it can serve a role as the base of thinking method in the rest of their life, their job in particular. Likewise, these unintelligible learning areas like philosophy will require people to find out some issues over and over, making learners develop the sense of perseverance which is of vital preconditions to climb up on the career ladder. In conclusion, while the complicated tasks of those subjects should be considered as voluntary thanks to its tricky character and some related detrimental effects, their primary area needs to be learned by all people due to its considerable benefits.
Undoubtedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, regard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
abstract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as mathematics, philosophy
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Too tricky to learn.
Therefore
, a topic central to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s debate has revolved around a question whether these above-mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should be voluntary as opposed to obligatory.
Personally
, I lean towards believing the official curriculum should not involve those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
with advanced degree,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
convey the basic knowledge.

On the one hand, it is understandable why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
immensely
tough and want to transform their role into optional.
First
and foremost, Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
require learners the highest standard of logic-based learning which is
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a trick, even impossible to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
learners,
especially
those having tendency of using the right hemisphere.
Furthermore
, if one can not be able to bear with tensions stemming from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced thinking and intense concentration, they will be likely to
be faced
with a great deal of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and pressure.
Probably
, this, thereby, can lead to increasing the likelihood of triggering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
psychological illness.

On the other hand
,
conversely
, I believe that the education authorities should integrate the elementary part of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
into mandatory curriculums since the ones with a basic understanding about those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will have more possibility to be successful in their later occupation and become comprehensive citizens. It
is rooted
in the point that those difficult tasks such as in
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of prompt thinking thorough learning and seeking effective ways to deal with obstacles, thereby, it can serve a role as the base of thinking method in the rest of their life, their job
in particular
.
Likewise
, these unintelligible learning areas like philosophy will require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to find out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues over and over, making learners develop the sense of perseverance which is of vital preconditions to climb up on the career ladder.

In conclusion
, while the complicated tasks of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be considered
as voluntary thanks to its tricky character and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
related detrimental effects, their primary area needs to
be learned
by all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
due to its considerable benefits.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some children found some subject eg mathematics and philosophy, … difficult so these subjects should be optional instead of compulsory. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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