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Some believe that TV, newspaper and radio have more influence on individuals than their relatives and friends, while others believe not. Which statement do you prefer? Please give your opinion with specific examples and details. v.2

Some believe that TV, newspaper and radio have more influence on individuals than their relatives and friends, while others believe not. Which statement do you prefer? Please give your opinion with specific examples and details. v. 2
It is an irrefutable fact that in today's era offsprings has an abundance of freedom. Whether it might be deleterious in some facts or not has become a matter of discussion among the masses. I strongly agree with the notion that even though the young ones would go astray, moreover the media may negatively influence them. To embark upon, children would go deviated from the studies due to excessive freedom. Indeed, offsprings are not only vulnerable to threats in this age but also immature to understand the dichotomy. Thus, people who are deceptive as well as nonviolent will take undue advantage of children and brainwash them owing to this they would incline towards illegal activities. As a result, they will go astray in their life. To exemplify, in USA, 40 %of young ones found indulged in drug abuse due to more freedom. So, the young ones get deviated. Furthermore, the media will pessimistically influence these young lads because of plethora of independence. Although parents cannot be present every time with their children, so they are towards bad company because of mass media. Therefore, they begin to bully & fight with others and become intolerant, which further result into acceptance from society. Hence, offsprings may indulge in crime. To justify, In Brazil, 50% of children found in criminal activities because of media's noxious exposure. Thus, children become future criminals. To conclude, I opine that the younger ones may deviate from studies and negatively influenced by the mass media which leads them towards crime & drugs.
It is an irrefutable fact that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's era
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
has an abundance of freedom. Whether it might be deleterious in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facts or not has become a matter of discussion among the masses. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion that
even though
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
would go astray,
moreover
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
may
negatively
influence them.

To embark upon,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would go deviated from the studies due to excessive freedom.
Indeed
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
vulnerable to threats in this age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
immature to understand the dichotomy.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are deceptive
as well
as nonviolent will take undue advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and brainwash them owing to this they would incline towards illegal activities.
As a result
, they will go astray in their life. To exemplify,
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
, 40
Possible spelling mistake found.
%of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
found indulged in drug abuse due to more freedom.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
deviated.

Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
will
pessimistically
influence these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
lads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of plethora of independence. Although parents cannot be present every time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are towards
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to bully & fight with others and become intolerant, which
further
result into acceptance from society.
Hence
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
may indulge in crime. To justify, In Brazil, 50% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
found in criminal activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of media's noxious exposure.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become future criminals.

To conclude
, I opine that the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
may deviate from studies and
negatively
influenced by the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
which leads them towards crime & drugs.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some believe that TV, newspaper and radio have more influence on individuals than their relatives and friends, while others believe not. Which statement do you prefer? Please give your opinion with specific examples and details. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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