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The students discuss two possible solutions to the man's problem. Briefly summarize the problem. Then state which of the two solutions you prefer and explain why. v.1

The students discuss two possible solutions to the man's problem. Briefly summarize the problem. Then state which of the two solutions you prefer and explain why. v. 1
It is argued that most of the people in the competitive world desired to be an entrepreneur rather than employed another business or organisation. However, still some people are employed in a company. I will discuss the key factors that why people plan to be self-employment and the major drawbacks of it. To start with, it is so difficult to get a job according to personal choice. However, self-employment assists people to work with their passions and increases the job availability in a country. For instance, Bangladesh bureau published a survey that, self-employment decreases the unemployment rate about 40 percent in 2017. Bangladesh government is greatly encouraged the young people to start self-business and they give loans for their business with low interest. After that the young people run their own corporation such as farming, poultry farm, and handicraft business etc. People are becoming more encourages when they get funding from the states. Hence, people can broad limits and can overcome the poverty by self-employment. Apparently, an entrepreneur can face so many challenges in a business. More pressure created on the person who has the responsibilities as an accountant, PR or HR manager in a company or organisation. In addition, it is usually a risky matter and in competitive reality, many of them go bankrupt. Self-employed people also have less experience than others who work with many peers. So, self-employment has some barriers which required to overcome. To sum up, at present time people plan to do something with their effort than to work as a subordinate. Self-employment has more advantages than disadvantages and self-employment should increase the economic stability of a country.
It
is argued
that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the competitive world desired to be an entrepreneur
rather
than employed another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
or
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
However
,
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are employed
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. I will discuss the key factors that why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
plan to be self-employment and the major drawbacks of it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job according to personal choice.
However
, self-employment assists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work with their passions and increases the job availability in a country.
For instance
, Bangladesh bureau published a survey that, self-employment decreases the unemployment rate about 40 percent in 2017. Bangladesh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is
greatly
encouraged the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
self-business and
they give loans for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
with low interest. After that the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
corporation such as farming, poultry farm, and handicraft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
etc.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are becoming more encourages when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
funding from the states.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can broad limits and can overcome the poverty by self-employment.

Apparently
, an entrepreneur can face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. More pressure created on the person who has the responsibilities as an accountant, PR or HR manager in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
In addition
, it is
usually
a risky matter and in competitive reality,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them go bankrupt. Self-employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
have less experience than others who work with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
peers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, self-employment has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
barriers which required to overcome.

To sum up, at present time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
plan to do something with their effort than to work as a subordinate. Self-employment has more advantages than disadvantages and self-employment should increase the economic stability of a country.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay The students discuss two possible solutions to the man's problem. Briefly summarize the problem. Then state which of the two solutions you prefer and explain why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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