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Some believe that technology, such as mobile phones, cell phones are destroying social interaction. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some believe that technology, such as mobile phones, cell phones are destroying social interaction. v. 1
While it is true that new technologies, cell phones, in particular, are eroding the social fabric of our communities to some extent, in my opinion, if used in a systematic manner, the benefits of these devices are comparatively more than the drawbacks. Admittedly, these days, the usage of mobile phones is one of the main reasons responsible for the disruption of face to face communications. This is because technology has marked its steps in every work sector due to which most of the employees now work from their mobiles or laptops. People can have access to all the latest updates related to work and society on their mobile screen. Therefore, these notifications, messages and emails usually distract the people from their social interactions. However, in my perspective, these distractions are the demand for an hour in order to remain updated and it largely depends upon the people how they manage them. Nevertheless, despite the little destruction of social communication, I believe mobile phones provides many more advantages if used in a proper manner. Primarily, with the help of these technical gadgets, employees can manage their work from distant places. Therefore, instead of destroying social interactions, this allows them to attend family functions, parties and meetings without hampering their work. Secondly, using cell phones people can get in touch with their friends or family members living in foreign countries. For instance, according to a report by the 'Times', with the invention of mobile technology, the social interaction of a person has increased to 50%. In conclusion, although some people destroy their conversations with the excess usage of their mobile phones, I perceive that comprehensive use of these technical devices not only makes a person more up to date by providing the latest information but also more sociable by allowing them to attend family get-togethers without compromising of work responsibilities.
While it is true that new technologies, cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
in particular
, are eroding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
fabric of our communities to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, in my opinion, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Consider replacing "in a systematic manner" with the adverb for "systematic"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a systematic manner
, the benefits of these devices are
comparatively
more than the drawbacks.

Admittedly
, these days, the usage of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is one of the main reasons responsible for the disruption of face to face communications. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
technology has marked its steps in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
sector due to which most of the employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from their mobiles or laptops.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can have access to all the latest updates related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and society on their mobile screen.
Therefore
, these notifications, messages and emails
usually
distract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interactions.
However
, in my perspective, these distractions are the demand for an hour in order to remain updated and it
largely
depends upon the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
how they manage them.

Nevertheless
, despite the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
destruction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
communication, I believe mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more advantages if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Consider replacing "in a proper manner" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper manner
.
Primarily
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of these technical gadgets, employees can manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from distant places.
Therefore
,
instead
of destroying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interactions, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to attend family functions, parties and meetings without hampering their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Secondly
, using cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with their friends or family members living in foreign countries.
For instance
, according to a report by the 'Times', with the invention of mobile technology, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interaction of a person has increased to 50%.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their conversations with the excess usage of their mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, I perceive that comprehensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these technical devices not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a person more up to date by providing the latest information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
more sociable by allowing them to attend family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
-togethers without compromising of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
responsibilities.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some believe that technology, such as mobile phones, cell phones are destroying social interaction. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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