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Some people believe that Technology such as mobile phones, cell phones is destroying social interaction. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that Technology such as mobile phones, cell phones is destroying social interaction. v. 1
In recent years, with the advancement in technology of mobile phones and cell phones, many people think that face to face interaction between masses is declining with each passing day. I completely agree with the notion because they can talk as well as send messages through it. To commence with, social communication has reduced significantly due to technological devices such as mobile phones and cell phones because people can share information by communicating via such equipment. Besides, they can interact with anyone from anywhere, so they do not need to travel for this purpose. For example, in a recent survey conducted by TRAI, it is found that the number of phone calls has increased substantially as compared to the past by sixty percent. In other words, talking over phones has increased. Thus personal interactions are being deteriorated with this development. Moreover, there are several applications developed through which they can do messaging and even can make video calls. Further, they can create groups in these applications, and they can add their friends and family members for group chatting and video calling. For instance, WhatsApp is one of the most famous applications that is widely used by individuals to interact with their friends and family. They can not only send messages, but also make video calls with the help of it. Therefore, this is reducing personal meets. To summarise, I believe that social relations have been destroyed since the inception of mobile phone technology because this has enabled us to communicate worldwide not only by texting, but also by voice as well as video calling.
In recent years, with the advancement in technology of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that face to face interaction between masses is declining with each passing day. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can talk
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
messages through it.

To commence with, social communication has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
significantly
due to technological devices such as mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can share information by communicating via such equipment.
Besides
, they can interact with anyone from anywhere,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not need to travel for this purpose.
For example
, in a recent survey conducted by
Possible spelling mistake found.
TRAI
, it
is found
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
calls has increased
substantially
as compared to the past by sixty percent.
In other words
, talking over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
has increased.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
personal interactions are
being deteriorated
with this development.

Moreover
, there are several applications developed through which they can
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go messaging".
do messaging
and even can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
calls.
Further
, they can create groups in these applications, and they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
their friends and family members for group chatting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
calling.
For instance
, WhatsApp is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
applications
that is
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by individuals to interact with their friends and family. They can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
messages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
calls with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of it.
Therefore
, this is reducing personal meets.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, I believe that social relations have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
since the inception of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this has enabled us to communicate worldwide not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by texting,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
by voice
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
calling.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people believe that Technology such as mobile phones, cell phones is destroying social interaction. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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