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Some believe that it is better for children to be taught only the native language that they moved to; others believe that kids should be taught in bilingual method to help children adjust. v.1

Some believe that it is better for children to be taught only the native language that they moved to; others believe that kids should be taught in bilingual method to help children adjust. v. 1
Education is an integral part of our society. Thus, some individuals spend their ample time towards learning in institutions. While some other take part-time jobs midst in their curriculum. Hence, I will explain my viewpoints through examples. Firstly, take part-time jobs while studying it’s very beneficial. It will boost your self- confidence and punctuality. For instance, when you do both study and work together, you’re constantly building your inner strength and you’re ready for lead any circumstances. For example, when disburse the money for rent, ration and electricity bill will come from your punctuality. In addition to, institution's fees increasing day by day and it’s the primary factor for studies. Many parents don’t have enough money to pay. Thus, take part-time work while studying is the most solid way of paying debts and varsity fees and it will not distract you from learning. On the contrary, to do part-time jobs has some drawbacks too. Firstly, do work in between your studies will affect your grades and it will make a difficult situation for yourself. Secondly, you will not spend adequate time for ménage. It will affect your curriculum. It will make a difference in proximity to household members. Thus, perceive the balance between studies and work with proper planning. Precedence to the studies then does the service. To sum up, do a work while studying is a wise decision. It’s a good thought to do both together. However, use your time wisely. So, Then both can be noticed and aid in your bright future.
Education is an integral part of our society.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals spend their ample time towards learning in institutions.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
-time jobs midst in their curriculum.
Hence
, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my viewpoints through examples.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
-time jobs while studying it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial. It will boost your self- confidence and punctuality.
For instance
, when you do both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together, you’re
constantly
building your inner strength and you’re ready for lead any circumstances.
For example
, when disburse the money for rent, ration and electricity bill will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from your punctuality.
In addition
to, institution's fees increasing day by day and it’s the primary factor for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
parents don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to pay.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while studying is the most solid way of paying debts and varsity fees and it will not distract you from learning.

On the contrary
, to do part-time jobs has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks too.
Firstly
, do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in between your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
will affect your grades and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difficult situation for yourself.
Secondly
, you will not spend adequate time for ménage. It will affect your curriculum. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference in proximity to household members.
Thus
, perceive the balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with proper planning. Precedence to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
then does the service.

To sum up, do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while studying is a wise decision. It’s a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to do both together.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your time
wisely
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, Then both can
be noticed
and aid in your bright future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some believe that it is better for children to be taught only the native language that they moved to; others believe that kids should be taught in bilingual method to help children adjust. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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