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Some people think that when a child moves to a new country, he should only be taught in the native language in his new country. Others believe it is better to betaught in a bilingual method to help the child to adjust. v.2

Some people think that when a child moves to a new country, he should only be taught in the native language in his new country. Others believe it is better to betaught in a bilingual method to help the child to adjust. v. 2
Driving safety is widely discussed topic in modern society. Part of the population argued that in order to decrease car accident statistics, the legislators should enhance drivers' minimum age. From my perspective, the statement is incorrect, and this essay shall introduce the motives in the subsequent paragraphs. Firstly, irresponsible behaviour, the principal reason of tragedies with motor vehicles, has been seen in diverse periods in individuals' lives. The fact is because people do not transform their driving habits as a consequence of aging; instead, it has been noticed that wrong behaviours might be more difficult to change in older citizens. The numbers show, for instance, that there is no difference in accident rates in the states of America that allows to drive either with eighteen or sixteen years-old. Therefore, the above mentioned method has proved to be inefficient based on previous real experiments. Secondly, there are at least two more remarkable strategies to improve road accident numbers than changing minimum legal age. The fundamental one is acknowledging people of all ages about the risks of unsecured driving. For instance, regular classes in primary schools would have a positive impact on future behaviours. Additionally, besides teaching, public administration should punish irresponsible attitude as well. Stricter laws and higher ticket prices might force car and motorbike owners to be more aware of dangerous mistakes. Both transformations would be better than raising the minimum age due to the focus on change the detrimental behaviour. To conclude, there is no proven difference in individuals' driving habits based on the number of years lived, showing to be inefficient as a consequence. Moreover, voting for stricter legislation as well as teaching the importance of driving might have better results. Thus, I oppose the notion that older drivers would result in more security on roads.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Driving
safety is
widely
discussed topic in modern society. Part of the population argued that in order to decrease car accident statistics, the legislators should enhance drivers' minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. From my perspective, the statement is incorrect, and this essay shall introduce the motives in the subsequent paragraphs.

Firstly
, irresponsible
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, the principal reason of tragedies with motor vehicles, has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in diverse periods in individuals'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The fact is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not transform their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
habits as a consequence of aging;
instead
, it has
been noticed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
might be more difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in older citizens. The numbers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
,
for instance
, that there is no difference in accident rates in the states of America that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
to drive either with eighteen or sixteen years-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Therefore
, the above mentioned method has proved to be inefficient based on previous real experiments.

Secondly
, there are at least two more remarkable strategies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
road accident numbers than changing minimum legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. The fundamental one is acknowledging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of unsecured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
.
For instance
, regular classes in primary schools would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on future
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.
Additionally
,
besides
teaching, public administration should punish irresponsible attitude
as well
. Stricter laws and higher ticket prices might force car and motorbike owners to be more aware of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
mistakes. Both transformations would be better than raising the minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
due to the focus on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the detrimental
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

To conclude
, there is no proven difference in individuals'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
habits based on the number of years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
, showing to be inefficient as a consequence.
Moreover
, voting for stricter legislation
as well
as teaching the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
might have better results.
Thus
, I oppose the notion that older drivers would result in more security on roads.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that when a child moves to a new country, he should only be taught in the native language in his new country. Others believe it is better to betaught in a bilingual method to help the child to adjust. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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