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‘Social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter are observed to have more negative effects than positive being more useful for the criminals than others. v.2

‘Social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter are observed to have more negative effects than positive being more useful for the criminals than others. v. 2
The majority of people nowadays use Facebook and Twitter, which are social networking sites. Some argue that it has more drawbacks, rather than having benefits, and they claim these types of networking sites are more beneficial to the criminals. I believe that this statement is not completely true. To begin with, criminals can get access to the accounts of its users via breaching their privacy information. These social networking sites are very popular among many adolescents. They often make friends in far countries over these sites, and sometimes they may get tricked by a stranger, which could result in handing over their personal information. Many developers of these sites are now building programs, which could help these vulnerable youngsters to fend themselves from being harmed or emotionally blackmailed by the criminals. On the other hand, the users bear the ultimate responsibility, when using these networking sites on the Internet. Because they need to make a clear decision to whom they want to share their information with. Having said, that these sites are a very useful tool for people, who wants to connect and make new friends outside of their home country. For example, people can learn each other’s cultures, languages, and thus, it can improve their working knowledge of a strange land. Also, Facebook and Twitter are being used by the police and the media. If any information which affects the general public can be transmitted fairly quickly on these websites. For instance, crucial information like the COV-19 virus is getting hourly updated in some countries. In conclusion, although using these types of social websites have some drawbacks, but I think the benefits are endless. Because it breaks the barrier of communication, and it provides the chance for some to form a meaningful relationship.
The majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Facebook and Twitter, which are social networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that it has more drawbacks,
rather
than having benefits, and they claim these types of networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are more beneficial to the criminals. I believe that this statement is not completely true.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, criminals can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
access to the accounts of its users via breaching their privacy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. These social networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adolescents. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends in far countries over these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tricked by a stranger, which could result in handing over their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
developers of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
building programs, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
these vulnerable youngsters to fend themselves from
being harmed
or
emotionally
blackmailed by the criminals.

On the other hand
, the users bear the ultimate responsibility, when using these networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
on the Internet.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
decision to whom they want to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
with. Having said, that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful tool for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who wants to connect and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their home country.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can learn each other’s cultures, languages, and
thus
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their working knowledge of a strange land.

Also
, Facebook and Twitter are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the police and the media.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
which affects the
Consider using "public".
general public
can
be transmitted
fairly
quickly
on these websites.
For instance
, crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
like the COV-19 virus is getting hourly updated in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries.

In conclusion
, although using these types of social websites have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the benefits are endless.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it breaks the barrier of communication, and it provides the chance for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to form a meaningful relationship.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay ‘Social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter are observed to have more negative effects than positive being more useful for the criminals than others. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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