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Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.5

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 5
The Olympic games are being played every 4 years. It consists of different athletic sports being played by men and women. Some people feel that these games are irrelevant in this 21st century. I totally disagree with this. The following passages will support my disagreement. Physical activity is an important part of person's life. To be healthy, one should keep on doing some physical exercise. However, some people take physical activity as their career choice. They make themselves competent enough to play against others. And Olympic games provide a great platform where they can compete with people from different countries. Playing in the Olympics, gives them so many advantages. It helps them to represent their nation. So the feeling of patriotism is depicted while competing with people from other countries. It helps them in building team spirit, when they participate in group events. Also, their interpersonal skills are developed as they meet people from different countries. When players win, they also get recognition. Also, many players are awarded with huge monetary awards by their respective countries. For example, the Indian Government awarded 5 lakh rupees to the Gold Medal winner Sushil Kumar. This recognition further boosts up their confidence and improves their financial condition. The Olympics are usually organized in different countries. For example, in 2019, it is going to be conducted in Tokyo. Previous Olympics were held at some other place. So players get a chance to travel all these nations and they get familiarized with cultures of different areas. In conclusion, the Olympics are not at all irrelevant with respect to the 21st century. It has so many advantages, much more than listed above. They are very important in life of sports person.
The
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
are
being played
every 4 years. It consists of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
athletic sports
being played
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that these games are irrelevant in this 21st century. I
totally
disagree with this. The following passages will support my disagreement.

Physical activity is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of person's life. To be healthy, one should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical exercise.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take physical activity as their career choice. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
themselves competent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to play against others. And
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
provide a great platform where they can compete with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries.

Playing in the Olympics, gives them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to represent their nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the feeling of patriotism
is depicted
while competing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from other countries. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in building team spirit, when they participate in group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
Also
, their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are developed
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries.

When players win, they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
recognition.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
players
are awarded
with huge monetary awards by their respective countries.
For example
, the Indian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
awarded 5 lakh rupees to the Gold Medal winner
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sushil
Kumar. This recognition
further
boosts up their confidence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their financial condition.

The Olympics are
usually
organized in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries.
For example
, in 2019, it is going to
be conducted
in Tokyo. Previous Olympics
were held
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other place.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to travel all these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
nations and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiarized with cultures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
areas.

In conclusion
, the Olympics are not at all irrelevant with respect to the 21st century. It has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages, much more than listed above. They are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in life of sports person.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 5

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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