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Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth and resources among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizen themselves? v.9

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth and resources among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizen themselves? v. 9
Nowadays, a lot of disasters are coming to different countries like earthquake, flood and typhoon. These disasters are some of the reasons why other countries are having trouble with their life. Because of these a lot of building industries, farms, schools and houses are destroyed that can lead to the shortness of the resources of one nation. Trauma also can be an additional factor to down countries. Besides, some countries lack the technological development, natural resources and skilled manpower which are required to develop the overall condition of a country. Thus the question arises, whether the rich nations should raise their helping hands to those poor nations or the government of those poor nations should take initiative to change the fate of the nations. In order to lift up the underdeveloped countries, some type of help is needed. Besides, other nations are lucky to have better positions that are not prone to disaster and also rich in natural resources. In addition, some of these nations have invented high technology gadgets which play as a business wherein they get their funds for some projects of a country. Therefore, in my opinion, the fortunate nations should aid to the poorer nations according to their willingness, status and laws. Although helping others are very warm feeling, it should be watched out for. It should be taken care of also to avoid dependency and abuse that can lead to war and discrimination of different cultures. In summary, the one who has a better status in life or in government must render concern to others with limitations in order to teach also independence and bring back the confidence of an underdeveloped country.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disasters are coming to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like earthquake, flood and typhoon. These disasters are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are having trouble with their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
building industries, farms, schools and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
that can lead to the shortness of the resources of one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. Trauma
also
can be an additional factor to down
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Besides
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
lack the technological development, natural resources and skilled manpower which
are required
to develop the
overall
condition of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the question arises, whether the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should raise their helping hands to those poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
or the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of those poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should take initiative to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the fate of the nations.

In order to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "lift".
lift up
the underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
type of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
is needed
.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
are lucky to have better positions that are not prone to disaster and
also
rich in natural resources.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
have invented high technology gadgets which play as a business wherein they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their funds for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
projects of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Therefore
, in my opinion, the fortunate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should aid to the poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
according to their willingness, status and laws.

Although helping others are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
warm feeling, it should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
out for. It should
be taken
care of
also
to avoid dependency and abuse that can lead to war and discrimination of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures.

In summary, the one who has a better status in life or in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
render concern to others with limitations in order to teach
also
independence and bring back the confidence of an underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth and resources among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizen themselves? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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