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Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v.1

Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v. 1
Nowadays hard work dwindles as more people work in offices. Although we suffer less from the pains and tiredness of manual work, we are in fact afflicted by the sedentary lifestyle of office work, as many critics suggest. Personally, I agree with this idea. For people working in offices, sitting for too long in the soft chair or sofa is the direct cause of a number of diseases. As is often the case, workers in offices tend to deal with their work either by using the computer or by checking documents and writing reports. And all such work requires a person to sit in a chair by a desk for a long time. This will cause backaches, neck aches as few people have a good sitting habit and it is even harder for them to sit properly in a long time. Secondly, sitting for a long time means they cannot exercise their body or simply stretch out their arms and legs often, which results in bad blood circulation and even obesity. Worse still, they can suffer from psychological pressure for lack of exercises that are essential to personal happiness. However, some argue that sedentary lifestyle in offices is not the direct cause of a lot of diseases. They claim that although office work requires them to sit for long, they can relax and exercise their body after work and at weekends. The fallacy in this argument is that it thinks many people are so energetic that they are eager to exercise themselves after a long day of exhaustion due to their work, not to mention that at weekends people are not always free to do anything they want to do. In conclusion, it is reasonable to say that sedentary lifestyle of office work is the direct cause of a number of diseases. Work takes up most of our time, and if it does not make enough time and space for proper physical adjustments and relaxation, we will not be able to lead a healthy lifestyle. For employers, they should come up with some useful strategies to deal with the problem.
Nowadays
hard
work
dwindles as more
people
work
in
offices
. Although we suffer less from the pains and tiredness of manual
work
, we are in fact afflicted by the sedentary
lifestyle
of
office
work
, as
many
critics suggest.
Personally
, I
agree
with this
idea
.

For
people
working in
offices
, sitting for too
long
in the soft chair or sofa is the direct
cause
of a number of diseases. As is
often
the case, workers in
offices
tend to deal with their
work
either by using the computer or by checking documents and writing reports. And all such
work
requires a person to sit in a chair by a desk for a
long
time
. This will
cause
backaches, neck aches as few
people
have a
good
sitting habit and it is even harder for them to sit
properly
in a
long
time
.
Secondly
, sitting for a
long
time
means they cannot
exercise
their body or
simply
stretch out their arms and legs
often
, which results in
bad
blood circulation and even obesity. Worse
still
, they can suffer from psychological pressure for lack of
exercises
that are essential to personal happiness.

However
,
some
argue that sedentary
lifestyle
in
offices
is not the direct
cause
of
a lot of
diseases. They claim that although
office
work
requires them to sit for
long
, they can relax and
exercise
their body after
work
and at weekends. The fallacy in this argument is that it
thinks
many
people
are
so
energetic that they are eager to
exercise
themselves after a
long
day of exhaustion due to their
work
, not to mention that at weekends
people
are not always free to do anything they want to do.

In conclusion
, it is reasonable to say that sedentary
lifestyle
of
office
work
is the direct
cause
of a number of diseases.
Work
takes up most of our
time
, and if it does not
make
enough
time
and space for proper physical adjustments and relaxation, we will not be able to lead a healthy
lifestyle
. For employers, they should
come
up with
some
useful strategies to deal with the problem.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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