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Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v.2

Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v. 2
The number of individuals suffering from various ailments is increasing rapidly around the world. It is believed that majority of people getting affected are those who have opted for desk-bound work. I completely agree that these infections are usually caused as the outcome of the stationary workplace. In this essay, we will analyse how minimum movement of the body can result in physical and mental problems. To begin with, the people with maximum hours of seated work perform minimum body movements. For instance, if an individual is working in company with working hours of 9 daily, the most of his awake time is spent sitting at one place. As a consequence of this, the body can become stiff and most if its movement starts restricting with the time. Thus, it is apparent that human body will become weak and hence can be easily harmed physically. In addition to this, spending most of the time at the same location can cause boredom for an individual. A good illustration for this is the people who regularly work in front of a computer for about 9 hours and after going back home completely avoid turning on Computer. On the whole, staying seated at the same place without motions can make them feel irritated and can affect their mental wellbeing. Evidently, people can lose control over them soon and can cause negative influence towards the society. Of course, it is obvious that a person with a job that requires little movements are the one who is easily infected with different diseases such as heart disease, depression and so on. In other words, these ailments distress people with unmoving desk jobs. It is thus hoped that companies will sanitise their staff about harms of not taking regular breaks in long working hours.
The number of individuals suffering from various ailments is increasing
rapidly
around the world. It
is believed
that majority of
people
getting
affected
are those who have opted for desk-bound work. I completely
agree
that these infections are
usually
caused as the outcome of the stationary workplace. In this essay, we will
analyse
how minimum
movement
of the
body
can result in physical and mental problems.

To
begin
with, the
people
with maximum
hours
of seated work perform minimum
body
movements
.
For instance
, if an individual is working in
company
with working
hours
of 9 daily, the most of his awake time
is spent
sitting at one place. As a consequence of this, the
body
can become stiff and most if its
movement
starts
restricting with the time.
Thus
, it is apparent that human
body
will become weak and
hence
can be
easily
harmed
physically
.

In addition
to this, spending most of the time at the same location can cause boredom for an individual. A
good
illustration for this is the
people
who
regularly
work in front of a computer for about 9
hours
and after going back home completely avoid turning on Computer.
On the whole
, staying seated at the same place without motions can
make
them feel irritated and can affect their mental
wellbeing
.
Evidently
,
people
can lose control over them
soon
and can cause
negative
influence towards the society.

Of course
, it is obvious that a person with a job that requires
little
movements
are the one who is
easily
infected with
different
diseases such as heart disease, depression and
so
on.
In other words
, these ailments distress
people
with unmoving desk jobs. It is
thus
hoped that
companies
will
sanitise
their staff about harms of not taking regular breaks in long working
hours
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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