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Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? v.3

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? v. 3
The ultimate goal of having a career is to earn cash. So, no wonder that many people around the globe have turned to get multiple jobs in order to get more money. Getting rid of the old tradition of having a sole job, is becoming gradually the trend of this era. Nevertheless, further education for people will never stop at a certain point in life. Having two or more sources of income fill the pocket with more dollars. Although some people argue that developing one career increases the income, to be involved in more business can rise it more. The reason is that it is risky to use all of the cash in the investment in one project. For instance, it is obvious that there are many companies’ owners worldwide declared bankruptcy because of the losses that had hit their corporations. Nonetheless, if they had invested their money in multiple and different types of business, they would not have lost their fortune all together. Thus, the new approach towards business world is to get more than one job so that surviving risky situations could be guaranteed. In the future, the mentality of education will probably be changed and fair numbers of people will pursue their education until the end of their lives. Educating people is not necessary to be constrained to schools or universities. It can be definitely at homes, jobs, transportation vehicles, and other places by reading or listening to passing information. Therefore, the new generations will still read information about their field of study during their every day life until they get old. To sum up, dividing the capital into more investments is absolutely safe procedure. Following the same analogy, being employed in a bunch of positions is the right choice to pick. The new comers will try to educate themselves as much as possible during their lifetime.
The ultimate goal of having a career is to earn cash.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, no wonder that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the globe have turned to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more money. Getting rid of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
tradition of having a sole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, is becoming
gradually
the trend of this era.
Nevertheless
,
further
education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
at a certain point in life.

Having two or more sources of income fill the pocket with more dollars. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that developing one career increases the income, to
be involved
in more business can rise it more. The reason is that it is risky to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Consider using "all the".
all of the
cash in the investment in one project.
For instance
, it is obvious that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
’ owners worldwide declared bankruptcy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the losses that had hit their corporations. Nonetheless, if they had invested their money in multiple and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of business, they would not have lost their fortune all together.
Thus
, the new approach towards business world is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that surviving risky situations could
be guaranteed
.

In the future, the mentality of education will
probably
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will pursue their education until the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is not necessary to
be constrained
to schools or universities. It can be definitely at homes,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, transportation vehicles, and other places by reading or listening to passing information.
Therefore
, the new generations will
still
read information about their field of study during their every day life until they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

To sum up, dividing the capital into more investments is
absolutely
safe procedure. Following the same analogy,
being employed
in a bunch of positions is the right choice to pick. The
Did you mean "newcomers"?
new comers
will try to educate themselves as much as possible during their lifetime.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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