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Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? v.2

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? v. 2
Some school of thought believe that strong economies should aid the poor countries in terms of supporting them in their primary needs, while some others think it is due to the local governments to deal with such internal problems. Although both the parties have some strong justifications to support their ideas, I personally agree with the first group more because of several key factors including lack of resources in such poor economies, the fact that we are living in a global society. The first important point I would like to mention is the fact that most of the poor economies are suffering from lack of having enough facilities and resources in the fields such as education and food. As the first may lead to making them even poorer and also increases the number of criminal actions and even worse in some cases potentially making some people joining terroristic groups. While the latter causes several unpleasant results such as children disability and death. Another important thing is we should not forget all the people in the world are part of one community, the human being. Regardless of all the things makes us different, we all share the same biology. Therefore, as a human everybody should try his/her best to do what he can to make the world a pleasant place for the others. Moreover, as it mentioned above, some of the negative results such as terrorism may directly affect the other nations including first world countries. To put everything in a nutshell, supporting the poor countries to make a better life for their people will cause several pleasant results not only domestically but in some cases internationally and more importantly, it all is justified by humanity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
believe that strong economies should aid the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
countries in terms of supporting them in their primary needs, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is due to the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to deal with such internal problems. Although both the parties have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strong justifications to support their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
group more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several key factors including lack of resources in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
economies, the fact that we are living in a global society.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
point I would like to mention is the fact that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
economies are suffering from lack of having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
facilities and resources in the fields such as education and food. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
may lead to making them even poorer and
also
increases the number of criminal actions and even worse in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases
potentially
making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
joining terroristic groups. While the latter causes several unpleasant results such as children disability and death.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is we should not forget all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the world are part of one community, the human being. Regardless of all the things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
, we all share the same biology.
Therefore
, as a human everybody should try his/her best to do what he can to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world a pleasant place for the others.
Moreover
, as it mentioned above,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results such as terrorism may
directly
affect the other nations including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
world countries.

To put everything in a nutshell, supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
countries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better life for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will cause several pleasant results not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
domestically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases
internationally
and more
importantly
, it all
is justified
by humanity.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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