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Should parents be obligated to immunize their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children? What is your view of this practice? v.1

Should parents be obligated to immunize their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children? What is your view of this practice? v. 1
These days, media platforms are a forward step to improve human life. However, they bring some backwards such as violence which make parents worried about their children. It is very crucial to find out considerable reasons and to look for solutions to tackle the problem. First of all, violence has impacts on children because they spend more time on playing video games. This is mainly caused by youngsters do not have more outside activities to do. They also do not find highly educational programmes which are so fascinating to enjoy. Therefore, they consider violent games as the best way to entertain during leisure time. Gradually, violent games become the indispensable part of children's life. To solve the problem, a realistic scenario can be applied that the government should build centres for children to spend their time on playing and studying together. For instance, in Vietnam, every district in Ho Chi Minh City has a public place where children can study dance, music, art and so on every day. Second of all, TV shows often contain violence to attract viewers. If there were not violent scene, TV shows would be too depressing. As a result, broadcasts would face with bankruptcy. In contrast, the fact has negative effects on behaviour of children. In other words, viewers may be stimulated their brain by violent shows which encourage viewers to do the same things in the real life. To tackle the problem, the education from parents plays an important role. Parents should spend more time on their children to educate their children about backwards of violent shows. For example, parents and children can watch scientific programs together to encourage children to discover the world. To conclude, children are impacted by violence from console games, TV shows since they spend more time on things containing lots of violence. To solve the problem, the role of the government and parents is so important.
These days, media platforms are a forward step to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
human life.
However
, they bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
backwards such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
worried about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial to find out considerable reasons and to look for solutions to tackle the problem.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
has impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. This is
mainly
caused by youngsters do not have more outside activities to do. They
also
do not find
highly
educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
fascinating to enjoy.
Therefore
, they consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as the best way to entertain during leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Gradually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
become the indispensable part of children's life. To solve the problem, a realistic scenario can
be applied
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should build
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on playing and studying together.
For instance
, in Vietnam, every district in Ho Chi Minh City has a public place where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can study dance, music, art and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on every day.

Second of all, TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
contain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
to attract viewers. If there were not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
scene, TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
would be too depressing.
As a result
, broadcasts would face with bankruptcy.
In contrast
, the fact has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In other words
, viewers may
be stimulated
their brain by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
which encourage viewers to do the same things in the real life. To tackle the problem, the education from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about backwards of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
scientific programs together to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to discover the world.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are impacted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
from console
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
since they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on things containing lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
. To solve the problem, the role of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Should parents be obligated to immunize their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children? What is your view of this practice? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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