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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing sports games teaches us about life. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.366

Playing sports games teaches us about life. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 366
In previous centuries, there were not many opportunities for women since people of those ages had different ideals. However, it has changed for the better, which, in my perspective, resolved many issues creating brand new society. First and foremost, changes in social structure were possible thanks for the rising number of chances for females. Before present days, women had an unaltered position in the family; they were neglected, illiterate, and inferior to men. Nowadays, women can receive education at the same level with men, thus can have a particular position in the family. Moreover, they start to occupy lots of important positions in the fields of science, education, and politics. Henceforth, society becomes more equal and fair. Albeit, there are still some problems, such as absence of a person to take care of the home, but it can be easily resolved. In addition, women now can dedicate themselves to studying and researching, therefore, prove that they are not weak and unworthy. In previous decades, females could only go to school and rarely to college, they were married off and had to take care of their household. In contrast, today there are many female scientists and researchers making valuable inventions and breakthroughs. Accordingly, more jobs may be taken by them, so they also become a source of money and stability of their families, despite any possible mistakes at work. Concluding that, the variety of opportunities for women modify our society to more equal, advanced, and harmonious one. Whereas there are still a number of problems caused by that, females can live a free life and choose their own path.
In previous centuries, there were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of those ages had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ideals.
However
, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
for the better, which, in my perspective, resolved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues creating
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
society.

First
and foremost,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in social structure were possible thanks for the rising number of chances for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
present days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
had an unaltered position in the family; they
were neglected
, illiterate, and inferior to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can receive education at the same level with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
thus
can have a particular position in the family.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to occupy lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
positions in the fields of science, education, and politics. Henceforth, society becomes more equal and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
. Albeit, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems, such as absence of a person to take care of the home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be
easily
resolved.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can dedicate themselves to studying and researching,
therefore
, prove that they are not weak and unworthy. In previous decades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
go to school and rarely to college, they
were married
off and had to take care of their household.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
contrast,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
scientists and researchers making valuable inventions and breakthroughs.
Accordingly
, more jobs may
be taken
by them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
also
become a source of money and stability of their families, despite any possible mistakes at work.

Concluding that, the variety of opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
modify our society to more equal, advanced, and harmonious one. Whereas there are
still
a number of problems caused by that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a free life and choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
path.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Playing sports games teaches us about life. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 366

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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