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The charts below show the percentage of water use for different purposes in six areas of the world. v.1

The charts below show the percentage of water use for different purposes in six areas of the world. v. 1
It is argued that the architectural pattern of new buildings should be the same as that of the old one in local areas, while others believe that individuals should be free to design their own house the way they prefer. I personally agree with the second group. On the one hand, the primary reason why people think that modern constructions should follow the style of the old ones in local areas is that it helps preserve traditional and cultural values, which could boost tourism in that area. Take Hoi An, which is one of the most famous ancient city in Vietnam, as an example. Local people in this city are encouraged to preserve their old houses or construct new houses in traditional architectural styles. As a result, Hoi An has become a popular tourist destination that attracts millions or tourists. That is the reason why ancient style is advantageous as it preserves the tradition of that area. On the other hand, I would argue that people should have the right to make their own decisions when it comes to building their own house. Firstly, many people do not like the style of old buildings in their neighbourhood. So, their rights would be violated if they were forced to stay in an accommodation that they do not feel comfortable about the design. The second reason is about the costs. It would be much cheaper to build a modern, simple residence in terms of their owner’s references rather than one, which has complex architecture. Therefore, it seems to me that the freedom to build a new house is better due to its comfortability and money-saving. In conclusion, although some people say that the design and construction of modern and traditional buildings should be the same, I strongly believe that the owners should be allowed to choose the way their own houses will be built.
It
is argued
that the architectural pattern of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
should be the same as that of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
one in local areas, while others believe that individuals should be free to design their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
the way they prefer. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the second group.

On the one hand, the primary reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that modern constructions should follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
style
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
ones in local areas is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
preserve traditional and cultural values, which could boost tourism in that area. Take
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hoi
Did you forget something after 'An'?
An,
which is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
ancient city in Vietnam, as an example. Local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in this city
are encouraged
to preserve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
houses
or construct new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
houses
in traditional architectural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
styles
.
As a result
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hoi
Did you mean "and" or "any"?
An
has become a popular tourist destination that attracts millions or tourists.
That is
the reason why ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
style
is advantageous as it preserves the tradition of that area.

On the other hand
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
style
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, their rights would
be violated
if they
were forced
to stay in
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "accommodation".
an accommodation
that they do not feel comfortable about the design. The second reason is about the costs. It would be much cheaper to build a modern, simple residence in terms of their owner’s references
rather
than one, which has complex architecture.
Therefore
, it seems to me that the freedom to build a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
is better due to its
Possible spelling mistake found.
comfortability
and money-saving.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that the design and construction of modern and traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
should be the same, I
strongly
believe that the owners should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to choose the way their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
houses
will
be built
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The charts below show the percentage of water use for different purposes in six areas of the world. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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