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Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks tha are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks tha are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. v. 1
In our modern society, people are more and more becoming attentive what they eat and drink in daily basis. However, I strongly believe that shops should not be permitted to provide food that are logically proved to be harmful by scientists. To begin with, the more more injurious food is fed to humans, the more the morbidity rate will elevate. Vegetables and fruits which are used fertilisers and pesticides, for example, often cause people to suffer from cancers in their later lives if they take them continuously. Even though I acknowledge that some think that what to eat and drink is totally up to consumers decision and responsibility, I still find it unethical to keep feeding harmful food knowing that they were scientifically proved to have negative outcomes later. Secondly, another concern to offer food which are not safe for people is ethic. Although I concede that if the shops or companies sell the products that are explained to be unsafe stopped selling the food, they will lose profits, which will bring a high unemployment rate, the issue is that no one has right to gain profits at the expense of other's health. Finally, my strongest argument is that some people cannot make their own decision because of a lack of intimate knowledge of a healthy diet. Children, for instance, are often victims of those companies or shops that sell products with injurious additives, since they are usually too young to make a right decision, or they are not even aware of the risks. I, hence, selling products with unhealthy ingredients to pupils who do not possess appropriate information on diet is irresponsible. In short, not only do shops that sell unhealthy food can rise a morbidity rate, they are making a profit in an inhumane way risking vulnerable people's unawareness. Therefore, I personally wholeheartedly believe that no one should sell unsafe food which are shown by scientists.
In our modern society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more and more becoming attentive what they eat and drink in daily basis.
However
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
should not
be permitted
to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that are
logically
proved to be harmful by scientists.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
Use only "more" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more more
injurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is fed
to humans, the more the morbidity rate will elevate. Vegetables and fruits which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Possible spelling mistake. 'fertilisers' is British English.
fertilisers
and pesticides,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to suffer from cancers in their later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if they take them
continuously
.
Even though
I acknowledge that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that what to eat and drink is
totally
up to consumers decision and responsibility, I
still
find it unethical to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
feeding harmful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
knowing that they were
scientifically
proved to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes later.

Secondly
, another concern to offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which are not safe for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
ethic. Although I concede that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
the products that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
to be unsafe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
selling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, they will lose profits, which will bring a high unemployment rate, the issue is that no one has right to gain profits at the expense of other's health.

Finally
, my strongest argument is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a lack of intimate knowledge of a healthy diet. Children,
for instance
, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
victims of those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
products with injurious additives, since they are
usually
too young to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a right decision, or they are not even aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
. I,
hence
, selling products with unhealthy ingredients to pupils who do not possess appropriate information on diet is irresponsible.

In short, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can rise a morbidity rate, they are making a profit
Consider replacing "in an inhumane way" with the adverb for "inhumane"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an inhumane way
risking vulnerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's unawareness.
Therefore
, I
personally
wholeheartedly
believe that no one should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
unsafe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which
are shown
by scientists.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks tha are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
318 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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