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Scientists and technology experts are more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Scientists and technology experts are more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 1
I completely agree with this statement. In today’s world technologists and scientists have greater value than those who practice singing and arts. People who work with machinery have more demand today because at present we need more advancement in automation than rap. And another important field that is valued the most is medical science because of the new diseases which are occurring. Firstly, in the modern society we need more technology related level ups. So people are giving more preference to those who are working with machinery than musicians. Whatever may be the music or tone the musicians are producing if we don’t have the automation we can’t get those tunes to the nook and corner of the world. For example in India there is a lot of awards to praise and give recognition to people who are creating and producing new gadgets, which obviously proves that people in that country give more importance to technologists than musicians. Secondly, as years passes new disease are evolving and that creates a demand in more upgrades in medical science. This upgrade creates a mindset in people and making them to praise and profit medical scientists than artists who are creating new arts. Doctors cure people and make their life get back to the normal stage this also makes people to value scientists and doctors. For instance, in a village near Bihar there was a woman who suffered from cancer the government hospital doctor treated her without asking for any money that made the whole village to praise and value the doctor most than any other person. To conclude, these reasons make me to completely agree with the statement. Because in today’s world we want more technological updates and scientific researches than advancements in music and the arts.
I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world technologists and scientists have greater value than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
practice singing and arts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work with machinery have more demand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
at present we need more advancement in automation than rap. And another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
field that
is valued
the most is medical science
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
diseases which are occurring.

Firstly
, in the modern society we need more technology related level ups.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are giving more preference to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are working with machinery than musicians. Whatever may be the music or tone the musicians are producing if we don’t have the automation we can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
those tunes to the nook and corner of the world.
For example
in India there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
awards to praise and give recognition to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are creating and producing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
gadgets, which
obviously
proves that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in that country give more importance to technologists than musicians.

Secondly
, as years passes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
disease are evolving and that creates a demand in more upgrades in medical science. This upgrade creates a mindset in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and making them to praise and profit medical scientists than artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
arts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doctors
cure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back to the normal stage this
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to value scientists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
.
For instance
, in a village near Bihar there was a woman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffered from cancer the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
hospital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
treated her without asking for any money that made the whole village to praise and value the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
Use "more" to make a comparison with this adjective.
most
than any other person.

To conclude
, these reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
me to completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world we want more technological updates and scientific researches than advancements in music and the arts.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts are more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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