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Scientists and technlogy experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Scientists and technlogy experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 1
In the contemporary world, it is commonly believed that the value of scientists and engineers is much higher than people who obtained a degree in arts or music. I totally agree with this statement and the reasons for it will be discussed in this essay. To begin with, since the beginning of the 21st century, governments have been struggling with the lack of specialists in fields of electrical, computer and biological engineering because the young generation tends to believe that these majors are complicated and demands a lot of hard work. Due to this fact, more and more people began choosing humanitarian degrees like music, arts, law, and economics. In Kazakhstan, for example, there is a significant shortage of engineers which forced our government to hire overseas specialists. Increased number of scientists, at the same time, can help to discover new findings about global warming, cancerogenesis, and its treatment. Moreover, there is no doubt that global warming poses a significant risk not only for us but also for our future generations, since this fact, the number of scientists should be increased to solve such issues. A good example of it can be technological countries like Japan or South Korea that influenced their society and young minds to become scientists and currently they have already researched various diseases, world problems and found solutions for them. Because of this fact, now they are one of the leading researches not only in Asia but also all over the world. To conclude, from my point of view in spite of financing both musicians and artists, governments should invest solely in STEM majors for they will help to change and reshape our world in a better way.
In the contemporary world, it is
commonly
believed that the value of
scientists
and engineers is much higher than
people
who obtained a degree in arts or music. I
totally
agree
with this statement and the reasons for it will
be discussed
in this essay.

To
begin
with, since the beginning of the 21st century,
governments
have been struggling with the lack of specialists in fields of electrical, computer and biological engineering
because
the young generation tends to believe that these majors
are complicated
and demands
a lot of
hard
work. Due to this fact, more and more
people
began choosing humanitarian degrees like music, arts, law, and economics. In Kazakhstan,
for example
, there is a significant shortage of engineers which forced our
government
to hire overseas specialists.

Increased number of
scientists
, at the same time, can
help
to discover new findings about global warming,
cancerogenesis
, and its treatment.
Moreover
, there is no doubt that global warming poses a significant
risk
not
only
for us
but
also
for our future generations, since this fact, the number of
scientists
should
be increased
to solve such issues. A
good
example of it can be technological countries like Japan or South Korea that influenced their society and young minds to become
scientists
and
currently
they have already researched various diseases, world problems and found solutions for them.
Because of this
fact,
now
they are one of the leading researches not
only
in Asia
but
also
all over the world.

To conclude
, from my point of view
in spite of
financing both musicians and artists,
governments
should invest
solely
in STEM majors for they will
help
to
change
and reshape our world in a better way.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists and technlogy experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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