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Scientist and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artist. To what extent do you agree. v.4

Nowadays, scholars and technology experts are more beneficial for humanity than people in entertainment, such as musicians and artist. I am completely agree with this \ These days, more and more scientists and technology experts are being respected rather than the field of artists such as musicians and artist. It seems to me that artist is integral part of our lives, but I agree with this statement and I will explain why in this essay. First of all, we are living in modern world where human beings have an opportunity to see more advanced technologies. The challenge in new technologies is getting better now compared to a decade ago. For example, with my grandparents living in suburb, they can not utilize new equipments. However, recently they have used new mobile phones since connection was connected with remote areas. Likewise, people from background of technology and science are getting more valuable rather than people who don’t do technology. Secondly, some old tools in many places such as medical altered that we never visualize in the future. One of my brothers does not know old-aged phones because he never see it before. Therefore, accurate professions such as experts of technology are crucial than other sciences. Admittedly, eventhough modern techbology brought is more advantages to many fields, there are highly equipped technologies are vital. In conclusion, provided that artist give us beneficial feelings we will see the world with great eyes but we need to pay attention our technology development.
Nowadays, scholars and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
experts are more beneficial for humanity than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in entertainment, such as musicians and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
. I am completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this \

These days, more and more scientists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
experts are
being respected
rather
than the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
such as musicians and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
. It seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
is integral part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in this essay.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, we are living in modern world where human beings have an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. The challenge in new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is getting better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
compared to a decade ago.
For example
, with my grandparents living in suburb, they can not utilize new equipments.
However
, recently they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
new mobile phones since connection
was connected
with remote areas.
Likewise
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from background of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and science are getting more valuable
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who don’t do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
tools in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
places such as medical altered that we never visualize in the future. One of my brothers does not know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-aged phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he never
The pronoun ‘he’ is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: “sees”, “saw”.
see
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Therefore
, accurate professions such as experts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are crucial than other sciences.

Admittedly
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
eventhough
modern
Possible spelling mistake found.
techbology
brought is more advantages to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, there are
highly
equipped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are vital.

In conclusion
, provided that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
give us beneficial feelings we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the world with great eyes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we need to pay attention our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
development.
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IELTS essay Scientist and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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