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Science will soon make people live up to 100 or even 200 years. Some believe this is a good thing while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Science will soon make people live up to 100 or even 200 years. Some believe this is a good thing while others disagree. v. 2
Science is making a headstrong progress at a rapid pace. Owing to this, the average life expectancy of humans will augment further, making people live up to 100 years or more. While this has been advocated as advantageous by some, others opine that this will have detrimental effects. In my opinion, this shift certainly will lead to issues such as overpopulation and depletion of natural resources. On the one hand, with the increase life expectancy, few masses consider that this will cater the needs of a family unit and allow them to stay connected. In other words, when people would be living longer, they would be able to spend quality time with their loved ones. This undoubtedly will strengthen the bonds between each other as elders of a family will stay together for a much longer tenure. Moreover, young children of the house will get patronage of their grandparents or even great-grandparents. Consequently, this will enable them to instill the moral and ethical values into their offspring. Therefore, this all will not only lead to sustenance of a healthy bond, but also will aid in overall development of young generation. On the other hand, others believe this prolonged life will prove to be deleterious, and I agree. Primarily, with the fall in mortality rate and continued rise in the birth rate, this will inevitably lead to overpopulation. Further, this will bring about numerous issues such as rapid depletion of useful resources. To put simply, with the elevated level of population, the consumption of these resources will ultimately amplify. Since such natural deposits are already in a scarce quantity, this will cause them to rapidly exhaust. For example, many countries are already facing situations such as droughts owing to paucity of fresh water. Indubitably, with the rise in population, serious issues would arise that would prove to be destructive. To conclude, although this life prolongevity would be beneficial for the families to develop in a healthy way, I personally believe that it would have more concerning issues such as rise in population, subsequently leading to serious problems, affecting our lives in a baneful manner.
Science is making
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "headstrong progress".
a headstrong progress
at a rapid pace. Owing to this, the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of humans will augment
further
, making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
up to 100 years or more. While this has
been advocated
as advantageous by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, others opine that this will have detrimental effects. In my opinion, this shift
certainly
will lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as overpopulation and depletion of natural resources.

On the one hand, with the increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy, few masses consider that this will cater the needs of a family unit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to stay connected. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would be living longer, they would be able to spend quality time with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones. This
undoubtedly
will strengthen the bonds between each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
as elders of a family will stay together for a much longer tenure.
Moreover
, young children of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
patronage of their grandparents or even great-grandparents.
Consequently
, this will enable them to instill the moral and ethical values into their offspring.
Therefore
, this all will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead to sustenance of a healthy bond,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
will aid in
overall
development of young generation.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others believe this prolonged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
will prove to be deleterious, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.
Primarily
, with the fall in mortality rate and continued rise in the birth rate, this will
inevitably
lead to overpopulation.
Further
, this will bring about numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as rapid depletion of useful resources. To put
simply
, with the elevated level of population, the consumption of these resources will
ultimately
amplify. Since such natural deposits are already in a scarce quantity, this will cause them to
rapidly
exhaust.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are already facing situations such as droughts owing to paucity of fresh water.
Indubitably
, with the rise in population, serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
would arise that would prove to be destructive.

To conclude
, although this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
Possible spelling mistake found.
prolongevity
would be beneficial for the families to develop
Consider replacing "in a healthy way" with the adverb for "healthy"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a healthy way
, I
personally
believe that it would have more concerning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as rise in population,
subsequently
leading to serious problems, affecting our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
Consider replacing "in a baneful manner" with the adverb for "baneful"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a baneful manner
.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Science will soon make people live up to 100 or even 200 years. Some believe this is a good thing while others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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