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The there pie charts below show the change in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981, 1991, 2001. v.1

The there pie charts below show the change in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981, 1991, 2001. v. 1
Nowadays it is not a rare occasion when celebrities get higher salaries than senior politicians. Moreover, this tendency became more often with social media development and its merging into people's routine. In my opinion, it is nor positive nor negative development rather than a simple lack of awareness. People are willing to know know what do they pay for or invest in. From that perspective, celebrities give their fans a well-known and common product - emotions. The celebrities whoever they are: singers, actors, dancers, musicians; they all share with a product that is understandable for the mass. Furthermore, nearly all celebrities keep their social media activities. It is not only for the private purposes but the way they can advertise themselves. On the other hand, senior politicians whose roles are undoubtedly important for the whole society. Nonetheless, politicians do not have a tendency to raise people's awareness about their job. Of course, it is journalism function to keep people aware of the latest news in the country. But I am talking about the concrete product politicians give to the mass. For an instant, an ordinary person knows that a particular percent of the fees he pays are used to support the political apparatus. However, he cannot associate the value they give to a single person. Also take into account that sometimes politicians do really questionable decisions and the fact that trust of people towards them is rather lower than the same to an average celebrity. In conclusion, without an activity from politicians side the difference between the average salary of celebrities and politicians will steadily grow. Apparently not in benefits of the last. But they can cause influence on this situation through social campaigns and activity in social media. Nowadays, there are many teenagers and young adults become more interested in politics. The politicians should meet with the mass interests and introduce their ideas in a clear way not by old-fashioned brochures, but through a well-known for the young people's environment.
Nowadays it is not a rare occasion when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher salaries than senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
.
Moreover
, this tendency became more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media development and its merging into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's routine. In my opinion, it is nor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
nor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
rather
than a simple lack of awareness.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are willing to
Possible typo: you repeated a word
know know
what do they pay for or invest in. From that perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
give their fans a well-known and common product
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
emotions. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
whoever they are: singers, actors, dancers, musicians; they all share with a product
that is
understandable for the mass.
Furthermore
,
nearly
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media activities. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the private purposes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the way they can advertise themselves.

On the other hand
, senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
whose roles are
undoubtedly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the whole society. Nonetheless,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
do not have a tendency to raise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's awareness about their job.
Of course
, it is journalism function to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aware of the latest news in the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I am talking about the concrete product
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
give to the mass. For an instant, an ordinary person knows that a particular percent of the fees he pays are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to support the political apparatus.
However
, he cannot associate the value they give to a single person.
Also
take into account that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
do
really
questionable decisions and the fact that trust of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
towards them is
rather
lower than the same to an average celebrity.

In conclusion
, without an activity from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
side the difference between the average salary of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
will
steadily
grow.
Apparently
not in benefits of the last.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they can cause influence on this situation through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
campaigns and activity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media. Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and young adults become more interested in politics. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with the mass interests and introduce their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
way not by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashioned brochures,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
through a well-known for the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's environment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The there pie charts below show the change in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981, 1991, 2001. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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