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Recently there has been an upward trend in the number of parents sending their children to private classes. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of private tuition. v.1

Recently there has been an upward trend in the number of parents sending their children to private classes. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of private tuition. v. 1
It is true that more and more young people are getting involved in crimes, and how to best address this critical issue is an ongoing debate. There are many ways to prevent youth crimes, one of which is better parenting skills; however, those ways need to be carried out simultaneously if they are to be effective. On the one hand, parents are the closest people to their children and more likely to have an impact on their children’s behaviour. In fact, a vast number of youth crimes nowadays are the result of inappropriate child rearing, lack of childcare and education about crime alike. Therefore, it is totally reasonable to say that improving parenting skills will promise a decrease in juvenile offences. However, education at home alone is not enough since there are a lot of kids who are not willing to listen to their parents. And children in this day and age spend the largest amount of time at school, and therefore are more likely to be influenced by their teachers or friends. For example, in my home country Vietnam, many high school students are susceptible to negative peer pressure. This usually leads to the increasing use of alcohol or drugs, all of which are primary contributors to crimes at this age. These facts suggest that we should introduce education about the consequences one may face when committing an offence in the school curriculum as well as help children manage negative peer pressure. In conclusion, enhancing skills to educate children at home is a good way to curb juvenile delinquencies; but I think there is no one best way to do this as different measures need to be taken at the same time.
It is true that more and more young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, and how
A determiner is probably missing here: "to the best".
to best
address this critical issue is an ongoing debate. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, one of which is better parenting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
;
however
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
need to
be carried
out
simultaneously
if they are to be effective.

On the one hand, parents are the closest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and more likely to have an impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. In fact, a vast number of youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
nowadays are the result of inappropriate child rearing, lack of childcare and education about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
alike.
Therefore
, it is
totally
reasonable to say that improving parenting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will promise a decrease in juvenile
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.

However
, education at home alone is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
since there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
kids who are not willing to listen to their parents. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in this day and age spend the largest amount of time at school, and
therefore
are more likely to
be influenced
by their teachers or friends.
For example
, in my home country Vietnam,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
high school students are susceptible to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
peer pressure. This
usually
leads to the increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of alcohol or drugs, all of which are primary contributors to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
at this age. These facts suggest that we should introduce education about the consequences one may face when committing an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
in the school curriculum
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
manage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
peer pressure.

In conclusion
, enhancing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to curb juvenile delinquencies;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is no
A determiner is probably missing here: "one the best".
one best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to do this as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
measures need to
be taken
at the same time.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Recently there has been an upward trend in the number of parents sending their children to private classes. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of private tuition. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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