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Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. v. 1
People have various opinions regarding what truly makes a person a good performer or a talented individual. Some people contend that the talent is a natural gift, whilst others, including myself, have a different opinion since we believe that any person can become an excellent achiever by guidance, dedication and hard work. On the one hand, it is believed that some people are gifted and they naturally master musical instruments or sports as if they had been taught for years. For instance, my son, who is a big fan of football, was admitted to a higher level on his first training session because he could easily perform all the required skills of the previous levels. Had he been trained earlier, he would have joined the club official team. . Therefore, it can be deduced that some people are more talented than others. On the other hand, it can be argued that some people have a passion for a certain leisure activity and it is beneficial that educational institutions and family members exert effort to realize this. An example for this is a questionnaire administered to an American elementary school where the results revealed that around 75% of the students master playing different musical devices after rigorous training by their music teachers. Accordingly, it can be argued that hobbies can be taught as well as being a natural talent. Having manifested the aforementioned points of view and examples, it can be recapitulated that people can either learn to play music or sports, or they can be naturally talented. However, in my humble opinion, both cases should receive guided training, encouragement and an appropriate environment to perform efficiently. It is recommended that the governments should invest more to add extra skills to the students apart from education.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have various opinions regarding what
truly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a person a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
performer or a talented individual.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contend that the talent is a natural gift, whilst others, including myself, have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinion since we believe that any person can become an excellent achiever by guidance, dedication and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.

On the one hand, it
is believed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
gifted and
they
naturally
master musical instruments or sports as if they had
been taught
for years.
For instance
, my son, who is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan of football,
was admitted
to a higher level on his
first
training session
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he could
easily
perform all the required
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of the previous levels. Had he
been trained
earlier, he would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the club official team.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Therefore
, it can
be deduced
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more talented than others.

On the other hand
, it can
be argued
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a passion for a certain leisure activity and it is beneficial that educational institutions and family members exert effort to realize this. An example for this is a questionnaire administered to an American elementary school where the results revealed that around 75% of the students master playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
musical devices after rigorous training by their music teachers.
Accordingly
, it can
be argued
that hobbies can
be taught
as well
as being a natural talent.

Having manifested the aforementioned points of view and examples, it can
be recapitulated
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can either learn to play music or sports, or they can be
naturally
talented.
However
, in my humble opinion, both cases should receive guided training, encouragement and an appropriate environment to perform
efficiently
. It
is recommended
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should invest more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to the students apart from education.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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