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171. When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer. v.1

171. When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer. v. 1
It is commonly believed that marketing plays a major role in the community. However, Advertisements provide the details of trending commodities in the world, which will enhance the public lifestyle. In my opinion, Promoting a product in the media or in the public will give better options and awareness on the items to the people to purchase. This essay will analyse the factors and elucidate the views on the same. To begin with, product advertisements in the media not only provides details of the various benefits of the product, but also saves consumer's time. For instance, Advertisement of mobile phones in the electronic media provides valuable information to the people at their doorstep. Furthermore, This allows the public to analyse, compare different mobile phones and buy the products according to their requirement. Moreover, It will save the time and effort of the people. In addition to this, The evolution of technology in this contemporary world promotes customized advertisements based on the internet history. These advertisements aim on each individual and provide awareness on products according to their interests. For example, Google search engine collects individual search history and provides advertisements of the products related to that person's history. This gives information of the products, especially on that particular category. On the other hand, few sections of people believes that advertisements make people buy unnecessary products. To illustrate, Discount offer promotions make people buy the products for the least price despite of their needs. To conclude, Advertisements prominently bring awareness on various products with benefits. This not only amplifies the lives of the people, but also simplifies the process of purchase.
It is
commonly
believed that marketing plays a major role in the community.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisements
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of trending commodities in the world, which will enhance the public lifestyle. In my opinion, Promoting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
in the media or in the public will give better options and awareness on the items to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. This essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the factors and elucidate the views on the same.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in the media not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of the various benefits of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
saves consumer's time.
For instance
,
The usual collocation for "Advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
Advertisement of
mobile phones in the electronic media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
valuable information to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at their doorstep.
Furthermore
, This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the public to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
, compare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
mobile phones and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
according to their requirement.
Moreover
, It will save the time and effort of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In addition
to this, The evolution of technology in this contemporary world promotes customized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
based on the internet history. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
The usual collocation for "aim" is "at" not "on". Did you mean "aim at"?
aim on
each individual and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
awareness on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
according to their interests.
For example
, Google search engine collects individual search history and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
related to that person's history. This gives information of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
,
especially
on that particular category.

On the other hand
, few sections of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. To illustrate, Discount offer promotions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
for the least price
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
their needs.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisements
prominently
bring awareness on various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
with benefits. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
amplifies the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
simplifies the process of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay 171. When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
270 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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