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Question 6 - Using points and examples from the talk, explain the difference between active and passive attention. v.1

Question 6 - Using points and examples from the talk, explain the difference between active and passive attention. v. 1
These days spending too much time in front of the TV is becoming a trend among youngsters, which has its profound drawbacks and consequences on children. I firmly believe parents have to be restricted the amount of watching TV to curb its harmful effects. Craving for watching TV has been increased among young people in recent years due to some reasons. First of all, because of urbanization, we have witnessed mounting laziness among individuals, especially children, so they prefer staying at home in front of screens rather than going out, doing some physical activities or hanging out with friends. Secondly, TV shows and programs, relatively are becoming more vivid and colourful, especially those preparing for young people, therefore more children are attracted, also ploys and commercial tricks have immense effect of this approach. And lastly, sometimes due to families’ financial status, there is no activity available for children, except spending leisure time in front of the TV. In many developed countries, children have had numerous options for their pastime. Firstly, parents should regulate the amount of watching TV by preparing various hobbies for them such as some physical activities or reading a book, etc. Secondly, having some extra hours in schools for hobbies and leisure time can help children have some quality time with classmates and has tremendous effect on their upbringing both physically and mentally. And finally, by extending cities and urbanization, governments should consider about making recreational facilities and minimum infrastructures to can be addressed the population demands and prepare an ample amount of public sport fields or facilities at a reasonable price to appeal more children to this kind of activities. To conclude, I reaffirm my position, in which government, schools and especially parents have had a duty to prepare various hobbies for youngsters and regulate their watching TV to curb its harmful effects.
These days spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the TV is becoming a trend among youngsters, which has its profound drawbacks and consequences on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I
firmly
believe parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be restricted
the amount of watching TV to curb its harmful effects.

Craving for watching TV has
been increased
among young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in recent years due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of urbanization, we have witnessed mounting laziness among individuals,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they prefer staying at home in front of screens
rather
than going out, doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical activities or hanging out with friends.
Secondly
, TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and programs,
relatively
are becoming more vivid and
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
,
especially
those preparing for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
therefore
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are attracted
,
also
ploys and commercial tricks have immense effect of this approach. And
lastly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
due to families’ financial status, there is no activity available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, except spending leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the TV.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have had numerous options for their pastime.
Firstly
, parents should regulate the amount of watching TV by preparing various hobbies for them such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical activities or reading a book, etc.
Secondly
, having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra hours in schools for hobbies and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with classmates and has tremendous effect on their upbringing both
physically
and mentally. And
finally
, by extending cities and urbanization,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
Did you mean simply "consider making"? You do not need the word "about" here.
consider about making
recreational facilities and minimum infrastructures to can
be addressed
the population demands and prepare an ample amount of public sport fields or facilities at a reasonable price to appeal more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to this kind of activities.

To conclude
, I reaffirm my position, in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, schools and
especially
parents have had a duty to prepare various hobbies for youngsters and regulate their watching TV to curb its harmful effects.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Question 6 - Using points and examples from the talk, explain the difference between active and passive attention. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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