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Qualities a person needs to be successful can’t be learnt in university or in similar academic institution. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Qualities a person needs to be successful can’t be learnt in university or in similar academic institution. v. 1
In today's modern and competitive society, we need to equip ourselves with a huge fund of knowledge in order to achieve success. While I cannot deny that the understandings of university provides very rewarding, I agree with the statement that achieving success needs several qualities, a few of which cannot be learnt in academic institution. To begin with, individuals cannot become successful if they only have academic knowledge. Take for instance, those who graduated from universities with high results, but they couldn’t get a job because of their lack of experiences. For other examples, the successful researchers learn from their past examples, and the CEO of Microsoft – Bill Gates developed leadership qualities from experience, … The insights provided by the universities are focus on theoretical issues which hardly come in real life. Therefore, there are some practical skills which are essential to succeed, but can’t be learned in school. We can see that the skills which they have to become successful in their fields are not from the scholastic foundation. On the other hand, many people can become successful without going to colleges. As we all know Michael Dell who is the founder of Dell left school at 19. But what is more shocking is he started his computer company in his college dorm room, he had worked very hard, and he also had to use up his savings and expenses, even his family’s loan to maintain his progress and to get the results he has now. For those who aspire to succeed in sports or entertainment, the natural abilities and luck accounted for a large proportion. If you are invited to be a guest from the reality show for example, it is possible for you to be well known and from that you will become more famous. Moreover, the truth is that business people who have inborn intelligence and also hard work will lead to their achievement. To sum up, it is absolutely wrong to affirm that one’s prosperity completely depends on their academic education. To be successful, not only do we need to improve our real life skills but also the characteristics of a the prosperous person.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modern and competitive society, we need to equip ourselves with a huge fund of knowledge in order to achieve success. While I cannot deny that the understandings of university provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rewarding, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that achieving success needs several qualities, a few of which cannot be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in academic institution.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, individuals cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have academic knowledge. Take
for instance
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
graduated from universities with high results,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they couldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their lack of experiences. For other examples, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
researchers learn from their past examples, and the CEO of Microsoft
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
Bill Gates developed leadership qualities from experience, … The insights provided by the universities are focus on theoretical issues which hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in real life.
Therefore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are essential to succeed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can’t
be learned
in school. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in their fields are not from the scholastic foundation.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
without going to colleges.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
we all know Michael Dell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is the founder of Dell
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
school at 19.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
what is more
shocking is he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
his computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in his college dorm room, he had worked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, and he
also
had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
up his savings and expenses, even his family’s loan to maintain his progress and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the results he has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

For those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
aspire to succeed in sports or entertainment, the natural abilities and luck accounted for a large proportion. If you
are invited
to be a guest from the reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
for example
, it is possible for you to be well known and from that you will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
.
Moreover
, the truth is that business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have inborn intelligence and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work will lead to their achievement.

To sum up, it is
absolutely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to affirm that one’s prosperity completely depends on their academic education. To be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do we need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our real life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the characteristics of
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "the" is left.
a the
prosperous person.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Qualities a person needs to be successful can’t be learnt in university or in similar academic institution. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
360 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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