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q6 Rituals. Using the point s and examples from the talk explain how the participants and items in a ritual represent other things. v.1

q6 Rituals. Using the point s and examples from the talk explain how the participants and items in a ritual represent other things. v. 1
Social media have developed at a fast pace in the last 15 years and many social networks offer unsupervised access to them. Many of teenagers use them to text their friends and play games. This has become a problem that can lead to possible risk situations. In fact, teenagers all over the world can face a huge problem with social media. For example, one main problem that resulted when teenagers start sharing their personal information to people should not trust. In other words, they can use this information against of teens, and then they being exploited in the wrong way. Also, setting in front social media cause wasting time and concern with things that's not suppose to focus on it. Unfortunately, teenagers spend a lot of their time in social media, however they spend less of time with their studies and this leads them to get a low score, moreover they may do not reach their accomplishments. In an attempt to find solutions, parents need to enlighten their young adults on the disastrous consequences of chatting with people on the internet so that they do not fall victims. Additionally, parents can periodically monitor chats and messages of their teens to ensure that they are not receiving any threats or illicit images from the people they socialize with. For example, a recent report by the BBC has revealed that parents who supervise their children’s online activities are twice likely to discover any usual activity and take necessary action than those who do not do this. In conclusion, young people use the internet daily to interact with various people online without any guidance and this makes them fall prey to cyber crime. In order for children to be out of harm’s way, parents should keep an eye on their communications and give them advice, and social media companies need to provide apps that are suited for them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have developed at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace in the last 15 years and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks offer unsupervised access to them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them to text their friends and play games. This has become a problem that can lead to possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
situations.

In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
all over the world can face a huge problem with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
For example
, one main problem that resulted when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
sharing their personal information to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not trust.
In other words
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this information against of teens, and then they
being exploited
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way.
Also
, setting in front
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
cause wasting time and concern with things that's not
Consider using a past participle here: "supposed".
suppose
to focus on it. Unfortunately,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
however
they spend less of time with their studies and this leads them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a low score,
moreover
they may do not reach their accomplishments.

In an attempt to find solutions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
need to enlighten their young adults on the disastrous consequences of chatting with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not fall victims.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
periodically
monitor chats and messages of their teens to ensure that they are not receiving any threats or illicit images from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they socialize with.
For example
, a recent report by the BBC has revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who supervise their children’s online activities are twice likely to discover any usual activity and take necessary action than those who do not do this.

In conclusion
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet daily to interact with various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
online without any guidance and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them fall prey to cyber crime. In order for children to be out of harm’s way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their communications and give them advice, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
need to provide apps that
are suited
for them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay q6 Rituals. Using the point s and examples from the talk explain how the participants and items in a ritual represent other things. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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