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Q1: If you suddenly got 10 million, what would you spend it on? Use details to support your response. v.1

Q1: If you suddenly got 10 million, what would you spend it on? Use details to support your response. v. 1
One school of thoughts reckons that authorities should take control over the citizens' decisions. On the contrary, there is a counter argument that folks should have rights to make their own resolutions. I am going to scrutinize on both aspects in forthcoming paragraphs. First of all, individuals have the rights to live according to their wishes. In some democratic nations, the government provides basic rights and freedom to Denizens for better prosperity of their lives. For instance, masses can live anywhere in their own built houses and find their desired job to fulfil their needs and amenities. Consequently, individuals can only dwell by self dependents and reliance, and if, in case of external interferences, they feel uncomfortable and cannot do anything freely. Moreover, the masses become responsible and self dependent by making significant decisions of their own. On the contrary, it is mandatory for law making bureaucrats that they should impose some restrictions on offensive crimes. For example, drugs dealing, alcohol mining, bank robberies should take into consideration seriously by police and law making administrations. Nevertheless, if crimes and offences become basic priorities for criminals, so it results into worse circumstances for societies. Moving to another instance, wake of COVID-19 affected throughout the world, which provoke the governments of all nations to take steps of lockdowns in entire nations. Meanwhile, the situation becomes so tense, that's why for the better maintenance of people authorities make decisions. Therefore, some decisions which are inappropriate regarding people should be controlled by the authorities. To recapitulate, it is irrefutable that decisions are mandatory for every individual as a basic right, but I personally believe that some legal decisions taken by government have significant role it.
One school of thoughts reckons that authorities should take control over the citizens'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
On the contrary
, there is a counter argument that folks should have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
resolutions. I am going to scrutinize on both aspects in forthcoming paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, individuals have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
according to their wishes. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
democratic nations, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
provides basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
and freedom to Denizens for better prosperity of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For instance
, masses can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
anywhere in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
built
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and find their desired job to fulfil their needs and amenities.
Consequently
, individuals can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
dwell by self dependents and reliance, and if, in case of external interferences, they feel uncomfortable and cannot do anything
freely
.
Moreover
, the masses become responsible and self dependent by making significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

On the contrary
, it is mandatory for law making bureaucrats that they should impose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions on offensive crimes.
For example
, drugs dealing, alcohol mining, bank robberies should take into consideration
seriously
by police and law making administrations.
Nevertheless
, if crimes and
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
become basic priorities for criminals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it results into worse circumstances for societies. Moving to another instance, wake of COVID-19
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
throughout the world, which provoke the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
of all nations to take steps of lockdowns in entire nations. Meanwhile, the situation becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
tense, that's why for the better maintenance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
authorities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
which are inappropriate regarding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be controlled
by the authorities.

To recapitulate, it is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
are mandatory for every individual as a basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
taken by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
have significant role it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Q1: If you suddenly got 10 million, what would you spend it on? Use details to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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