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Q1: describe an event that happened in the history, and explain why you want to learn more about the event. v.1

Q1: describe an event that happened in the history, and explain why you want to learn more about the event. v. 1
Due to poverty, illegal events have become more prevalent nowadays. In order to lessen the crimes, some believed that prison sentences should be prolonged, however a few people said that there are other solutions to prevent crimes. To start, one of the main reasons why criminals are put behind bars is to help them reflect on their faults and wrongdoings. The jail has become the centre for correcting their acts as it serves as rehabilitation centres. When criminals get out of jail after the sentence has been served, there is a low percentage that they will commit illegal things again, because of the fear of going to jail the second time. When thieves, for example are not taught the lesson of being put to jail, they will just have a positive notion that what they are doing is socially accepted. Thus, the law enforcers should pursue sentencing of crimes to create fear and doubts among criminals before doing such. In contrast to the first idea, there is a huge part of the population believing there are alternative ways to stop the illegal activities. As young as teenagers must have proper education about illegal activities and its corresponding consequences. With proper knowledge, individuals would be able to weigh things ethically, and they would do activities that will be more beneficial to the society. In Davao City, Philippines, for instance, a lot of seminars about drugs have been conducted to the youth, and now, the place has been known to be a drug-free city for quite a long time now. Hence, adequate information would help the public to think and act to better the society. In conclusion, aside from extending prison sentences for crimes committed, other alternative ways might also be considered to correct the behaviours of illegal doers. Enforcing such ways to fight activities against crime should be ensured to be able to create a sense of fear among criminals not to do otherwise.
Due to poverty,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
have become more prevalent nowadays. In order to lessen the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believed that prison sentences should
be prolonged
,
however
a few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
said that there are other solutions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
crimes.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, one of the main reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are put
behind bars is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them reflect on their faults and wrongdoings. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
has become the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
for correcting their acts as it serves as rehabilitation
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
after the sentence has
been served
, there is a low percentage that they will commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
things again,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the fear of going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
the second time. When thieves,
for example
are not taught the lesson of
being put
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jail
, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
notion that what they are doing is
socially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
.
Thus
, the law enforcers should pursue sentencing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
to create fear and doubts among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
doing such.

In contrast
to the
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, there is a huge part of the population believing there are alternative ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. As young as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have proper education about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and its corresponding consequences. With proper knowledge, individuals would be able to weigh things
ethically
, and they would do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that will be more beneficial to the society. In Davao City, Philippines,
for instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
seminars about drugs have
been conducted
to the youth, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, the place has
been known
to be a drug-free city for quite a long time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
Hence
, adequate information would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the public to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and act to better the society.

In conclusion
, aside from extending prison sentences for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
committed, other alternative ways might
also
be considered
to correct the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
doers. Enforcing such ways to fight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
should
be ensured
to be able to create a sense of fear among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
not to do
otherwise
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Q1: describe an event that happened in the history, and explain why you want to learn more about the event. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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