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Professional sports people are often idolised by young children. Some people think that they, therefore, have a responsibility to be good role models at all times for children. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Professional sports people are often idolised by young children. Some people think that they, therefore, have a responsibility to be good role models at all times for children. v. 1
Apparently, young children often admire talented and famous people especially sportsmen. That is why professional sports are thought to be good role models. Nonetheless, in my perspective, it is not necessary for them to set perfect examples at all times for admirers. At the outset, professional sports always make effort to show their positive qualities in most of situations, which has profound influence on children's development. Besides, their enthusiasm in training and competing can become helpful source of inspiration for adolescents. As a result, youngsters will think and act more positively, they will love playing sports and they will harbour dream of being professional athletes like their idols. For instance, Mbappe - a very young and famous football player playing for PSG team used to idolize C. Ronaldo - a superstar of world footballer playing for Juventus team. When being asked, Mbappe said that Ronaldo was the main reason he decided to practice diligently to become a professional sport. However, no one is perfect, so are the sportsmen. Being perfect role models sometimes makes them stressful so they do wrong things as a way of relieving pressure to return the true version of themselves. Rooney - a well known football player who used to play for Manchester United is a typical example. A few years ago, having been in charge of being a good role model all the time and having been scrutinized by the press made him so depressed that he drank a lot and fought with his teammates to release his bad mood. In other words, doing wrong deeds helps sportsmen avoid suffering from mental problems and survive in this harsh world. To sum up, I think that it is unessential for the professional sports to set a good example at all times because nobody is perfect and normal people are those who have both good and bad aspects.
Apparently
, young children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
admire talented and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
especially
sportsmen.
That is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
role models. Nonetheless, in my perspective, it is not necessary for them to set
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
examples at all times for admirers.

At the outset,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
qualities in
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the situations") or simply say "most situations".
most of situations
, which has profound influence on children's development.
Besides
, their enthusiasm in training and competing can become helpful source of inspiration for adolescents.
As a result
, youngsters will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and act more
positively
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
playing
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sports and
they will
Possible spelling mistake. 'harbour' is British English.
harbour
dream of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
athletes like their idols.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mbappe
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
football player playing for PSG team
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to idolize C. Ronaldo
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a superstar of world footballer playing for Juventus team. When
being asked
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mbappe
said that Ronaldo was the main reason he decided to practice
diligently
to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
sport.

However
, no one is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are the sportsmen. Being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
role models
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them stressful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
things as a way of relieving pressure to return the true version of themselves. Rooney
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a well known football player who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play for Manchester United is a typical example. A few years ago, having been in charge of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
role model all the time and having
been scrutinized
by the press made him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
depressed that he drank a lot and fought with his teammates to release his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
mood.
In other words
, doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
deeds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
sportsmen avoid suffering from mental problems and survive in this harsh world.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is unessential for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to set a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
example at all times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nobody is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
perfect
and normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are those who have both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
aspects.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Professional sports people are often idolised by young children. Some people think that they, therefore, have a responsibility to be good role models at all times for children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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