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Popular hobbies and interests change over time and are more a reflction of trends and fashions than an indication of what individuals really want to do in their spare time. To what extend do you agree this statement? Give reasons for your answer. v.1

Popular hobbies and interests change over time and are more a reflction of trends and fashions than an indication of what individuals really want to do in their spare time. v. 1
Nowadays interests and hobbies of people world-wide are influenced by external factors. They prefer to like and do things that other people do, rather than supporting their hobbies. I really support this statement and in this essay, I will reveal my point of view about it. Fashion has always been the key element in people’s life. It's always been ruling the world and makes people go crazy about newest clothes. Some people prefer to wear clothes that are uncomfortable only because they are trendy. Most of them wear such clothes not because they like them, but because they want to attract attention of others. Best example for such trend is electric-scooters. They are gaining popularity among the population and the number of them is increasing every day. Many of their users are people, which used to drive bikes in the past. Now they are driving scooters only because the are trendy. On the other hand, are so-called old fashioned people. They prefer to do the things they really like. Their hobbies and interests might look obsolete for some people, but they prefer to stay aside from modern tendencies. Most of these people are highly educated and they do not let external factors to rule their own life. To sum up, I think that a large number of people, let their lives to be ruled by something else. Hence they have to make a dramatic change in their life because they will depend from other opinions and ideas. This can lead to many problems related to their behaviour.
Nowadays interests and hobbies of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
world-wide
are influenced
by external factors. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to like and do things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do,
rather
than supporting their hobbies. I
really
support this statement and in this essay, I will reveal my point of view about it.

Fashion has always been the key element in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life. It's always been ruling the world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go crazy about
A determiner is probably missing here: "the newest".
newest
clothes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to wear clothes that are uncomfortable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are trendy. Most of them wear such clothes not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they like them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to attract attention of others.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Best".
Best
example for such trend is electric-scooters. They are gaining popularity among the population and the number of them is increasing every day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of their users are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to drive bikes in the past.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
they are driving scooters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "they are" or "there are"?
the are
trendy.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
old fashioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to do the things they
really
like. Their hobbies and interests might look obsolete for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to stay aside from modern tendencies. Most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
educated and
they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
external factors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to
be ruled
by something else.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
opinions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. This can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems related to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Popular hobbies and interests change over time and are more a reflction of trends and fashions than an indication of what individuals really want to do in their spare time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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