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Politician's private lives should not be published in newspapers. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.5

Politician's private lives should not be published in newspapers. v. 5
The Personal lives of political office holders should not be publicized. I believe very much that their privacy should be kept from the media. Firstly, I believe that their private lives should be respected because exposing their personal lives to the media will make people to be critical of them. For example, publishing an expensive car a public official drive. This may result into negative reactions from the public; who may consider their lifestyles to be extravagant, which could distract them from serving the people as they will spend a lot of time trying to defend themselves. Secondly, Exposing their privacy in the tabloids could constitute a security risk to them and their families. For instance, many people believe that public officers are wealthy, either through legitimate means of by stealing public funds. This may put them and their families at greater risks of being attacked or kidnapped for ransoms. If this happens, it destabilises their emotions and they are not able to deliver. Lastly, exposing what public servants do outside their official duties could open them up to vain glory which may make some of them struggle to keep up with public expectations thus leading to poor performance in office. E. g. A government officer that is seen as classy and trendy in his dressing may make it a duty to always look good because of what the reactions of the public may be if he dresses shabbily. This may shift the focus of the official from the original expectation In conclusion, I strongly concur that the privacy of political office holders should be treated with dignity as they are humans and they deserve some respect. In Addition, I reason that government officials are entitled to their space and what they do with their lives outside their official duties should not be publicized as this may be a source of distraction for them thus resulting in performances below expectations.
The Personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of political office holders should not
be publicized
. I believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much that their privacy should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
from the media.

Firstly
, I believe that their private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
should
be respected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
exposing their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to the media will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to be critical of them.
For example
, publishing an expensive car a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
official
drive. This may result into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
reactions from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
; who may consider their lifestyles to be extravagant, which could distract them from serving the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as they will spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time trying to defend themselves.

Secondly
, Exposing their privacy in the tabloids could constitute a security
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to them and their families.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
officers are wealthy, either through legitimate means of by stealing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
funds. This may put them and their families at greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of
being attacked
or kidnapped for ransoms. If this happens, it
Possible spelling mistake. 'destabilises' is British English.
destabilises
their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
emotions and
they are not able to deliver.

Lastly
, exposing what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
servants do outside their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
official
duties could open them up to vain glory which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them struggle to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
expectations
thus
leading to poor performance in office.
There should be no space here: "e.g.".
E. g.
A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
officer
that is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as classy and trendy in his dressing may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it a duty to always look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of what the reactions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
may be if he dresses
shabbily
. This may shift the focus of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
official
from the original
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
expectation


In conclusion
, I
strongly
concur that the privacy of political office holders should
be treated
with dignity as they are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
humans and
they deserve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
respect.
In Addition
, I reason that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officials
are entitled
to their space and what they do with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
outside their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
official
duties should not
be publicized
as this may be a source of distraction for them
thus
resulting in performances below expectations.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Politician's private lives should not be published in newspapers. v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
320 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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