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Percentage of food budget spent on restaurant meals and home cooking in four years and number of meals per year fast food vs sit-down restaurant meals. v.1

Percentage of food budget spent on restaurant meals and home cooking in four years and number of meals per year fast food vs sit-down restaurant meals. v. 1
Many believe that sport should be placed as a mandatory section on all degree courses in university, in view of the fact that being overweight is taking an uptrend all around the globe. I believe that this statement is true in numerous ways since there are many individuals who may be obese, especially due to lack of movement in connection to the fact that after graduating high school, the required amount of sports could have been significantly deducted. To start with, students in most high schools are required to have physical education classes all throughout the grades 1-12. Having PE as a compulsory class has some beneficial effects of fighting or even preventing obesity. By doing so, students get to meet the criteria for exercising regularly and also gain knowledge of the importance exercising, has on our life. However, after high school, where sport becomes just a voluntary action, many fail to work out on a regular basis. Furthermore, it is believed that every individual should exercise routinely, in order to be fit and maintain a healthy diet. Although we are always moving due to daily tasks, in most cases that is not enough. University students spend lots of time just sitting down and listening to lectures. This has a very negative impact cm the health of one who doesn't do enough exercise, impacting the increasing rate. To conclude, I strongly agree with universities making sport a compulsory part of all courses, because of the advantageous effects exercising, has on one's life and how it can help to decline the soaring obesity rates. Therefore, regular exercise should not be a choice, but an obligatory activity for all ages of people.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
should
be placed
as a mandatory section on all degree courses in university, in view of the fact that being overweight is taking an uptrend all around the globe. I believe that this statement is true in numerous ways since there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals who may be obese,
especially
due to lack of movement in connection to the fact that after
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduating from".
graduating
high school, the required amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could have been
significantly
deducted.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, students in most high schools
are required
to have physical education classes all throughout the grades 1-12. Having PE as a compulsory
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
beneficial effects of fighting or even preventing obesity. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the criteria for exercising
regularly
and
also
gain knowledge of the importance exercising, has on our life.
However
, after high school, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a voluntary action,
Possible agreement error. The noun fail seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much fail", "a good deal of fail".
many fail
to work out on a regular basis.

Furthermore
, it
is believed
that every individual should exercise
routinely
, in order to
be fit
and maintain a healthy diet. Although we are always moving due to daily tasks,
in most cases
that is
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. University students spend lots of time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sitting down and listening to lectures. This has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact cm the health of one who doesn't do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
exercise, impacting the increasing rate.

To conclude
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with universities making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
a compulsory part of all courses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advantageous effects exercising, has on one's life and how it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to decline the soaring obesity rates.
Therefore
, regular exercise should not be a choice,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
an obligatory activity for all ages of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Percentage of food budget spent on restaurant meals and home cooking in four years and number of meals per year fast food vs sit-down restaurant meals. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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