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People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than others factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than others factors. v. 1
Shopping has become an indispensable part of everyone's life. However, it is generally considered that age group is merely an essential shopping rather than others aspects. I disagree with the statement that gender, interest and money are an equally important to purchase things. This essay will explain my views in the upcoming paragraphs. To start with, there are multifarious factors, which are necessary buying items. Although, people buy products according to their age group. For example, usually juveniles prefer purchasing toys, dolls and other small technological items, whereas adult buy necessary things like- household goods, vehicles and others more, yet shopping relies on gender difference. As, the women have distinct choices as compared to men. To explain it, females are brought household items, children's clothes and so on. While, the male gives priority to buy their own personal products, such as- alcohol, clothes and vehicles. Therefore, the interest of both sexes is different from buying something. Money is another massive factor of consumer goods. To illustrate it, the preference of an affluent mass is more towards expensive products as they can afford it. By contrast, the poor and middle class individuals have to see their pockets. Besides this, peer pressure is another important element, which manipulates purchasing choices. Advertisement, which keep up to date the masses pertaining to new products, also affects consumerism. In conclusion, after analysing all the aspects of the given statement, it is not hard to see that only age group does not crucial for buying, other aspects gender, financial status, family, friends and advertising equation.
Shopping has become an indispensable part of everyone's life.
However
, it is
generally
considered that age group is
merely
an essential shopping
rather
than others aspects. I disagree with the statement that gender, interest and money are an
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
things. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my views in the upcoming paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, there are multifarious factors, which are necessary buying items.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
according to their age group.
For example
,
usually
juveniles prefer purchasing toys, dolls and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
technological items, whereas adult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
necessary things like- household
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, vehicles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
more,
yet
shopping relies on gender difference. As, the women have distinct choices as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
it, females
are brought
household items, children's clothes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. While, the male gives priority to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, such as- alcohol, clothes and vehicles.
Therefore
, the interest of both sexes is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from buying something.

Money is another massive factor of consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. To illustrate it, the preference of an affluent mass is more towards expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
as they can afford it. By contrast, the poor and middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their pockets.
Besides
this, peer pressure is another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element, which manipulates purchasing choices. Advertisement, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up to date the masses pertaining to new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
,
also
affects consumerism.

In conclusion
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
all the aspects of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
age group does not crucial for buying,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects gender, financial status, family, friends and advertising equation.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than others factors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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