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People’s shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

People’s shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factor. v. 1
Every country has its own system for schooling their own children, as well the parents have their own believe how they want their children to be educated, whether they want to be thought at school environment or at home, despite that the teaching material in both ways are the same but I believe that school teaching are much better for the development of the child's personality and his social life. Although, that the parents had a rational opinion on why they think house teaching is better for the child development and they want to protect them from the bad influence that they may get or they afraid that they are not spending much time with their family so by this way they can bond much more. But they are forgetting that eventually they had to send them outside to continue their study outside the house boundaries to complete their higher education, and life is hard by not let him study in school environment they are preventing them from learning how to adapt in real life and how to interact with people, which is an essential skill in life, also, one of the main advantages of school teaching, it’s will help them to develop their own character. For example, I know someone who is home schooling, told me that despite he loved his home schooling at the beginning, but afterward, when he started college he struggled in his first years due to he didn’t know how to deal with his teachers even at work his personality was still under development. In conclusion, I know that parent they afraid for their children, but they have to remember that nothing comes easy in life and facing the danger in daily basis, that’s what life is, and they must not prevent their children from the experience that they will get in school.
Every country has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
system for schooling their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
as well
the parents have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
The word 'believe' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "belief"?
believe
how they want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
be educated
, whether they want to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
environment or at home, despite that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
material in both ways are the same
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
are much better for the development of the child's personality and his social life.

Although, that the parents had a rational opinion on why they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
is better for the child
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
development and
they want to protect them from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence that they may
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
get or
they afraid that they are not spending much time with their family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
by this way they can bond much more.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they are forgetting that
eventually
they had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
them outside to continue their study outside the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
boundaries to complete their higher education, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
by not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
him study in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
environment they are preventing them from learning how to adapt in real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and how to interact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which is an essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
also
, one of the main advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
, it’s will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
character.

For example
, I know someone who is
This word is normally spelled as one.
home schooling
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that despite he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
his
This word is normally spelled as one.
home schooling
at the beginning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
afterward, when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
college he struggled in his
first
years due to he didn’t know how to deal with his teachers even at work his personality was
still
under development.

In conclusion
, I know that parent they afraid for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
remember that nothing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
easy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and facing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
in daily basis, that’s what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is, and they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the experience that they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People’s shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factor. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
308 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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