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All education and healthcare should be funded by government and free for everyone. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

All education and healthcare should be funded by government and free for everyone. with this opinion? v. 1
It is true that many companies believe and give the opportunities to their employees to be a member of gyms also in a sports club, because they think that workers who are healthy more efficient than unhealthy workers. While other employers consider there are no advantages of this. Actually, both statements are positive and in the following paragraph I will discuss both views also prove the first statement is more beneficial than the later. On the one hand, there are several employers take care of their employees' health because they know the proverb that healthy body keeps healthy mind. For this reason they provide extra salary so that employees can involve with physical fitness activities. It has also shown in some scientific research that those workers who do regular exercise, they work efficiently most of the time without having any major health problem. On the other hand, some employers think that giving the membership of gyms and sports clubs to their is loss of money without any feedback. This kind of employers are very conscious about their time and they consider it as a waste of time also because without that, they also think there are no relationship between work and physical fitness. In a nutshell, although providing a membership of fitness and sport clubs to their employees is accepted by some employers, but there are other employers who consider it as a worthy matter. In my opinion, healthy worker is more efficient than unhealthy employers so every company should provide the membership of gyms and sports clubs to their employers.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
believe and give the opportunities to their employees to be a member of gyms
also
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
more efficient than unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
consider there are no advantages of this. Actually, both statements are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and in the following paragraph I will discuss both views
also
prove the
first
statement is more beneficial than the
Did you mean "latter" (=the second of two items)?
later
.

On the one hand, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
take care of their employees' health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know the proverb that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
mind.
For this reason
they provide extra salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that employees can involve with physical fitness activities. It has
also
shown in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
scientific research that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who do regular exercise, they work
efficiently
most of the time without having any major health problem.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that giving the membership of gyms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
to
Did you mean "there"?
their
is loss of money without any feedback. This kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
conscious about their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they consider it as a waste of time
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without that, they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are no relationship between work and physical fitness.

In a nutshell, although providing a membership of fitness and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
to their employees is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
who consider it as a worthy matter. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
is more efficient than unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
should provide the membership of gyms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay All education and healthcare should be funded by government and free for everyone. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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