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People's lifestyles are changing very rapidly and that is affecting their family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

People's lifestyles are changing very rapidly and that is affecting their family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
It is often argued that the busy lives influence our society. Some people might say that our lifestyles may change quite quickly and it is giving less communication to family relationships. In my opinion, the cons of this phenomenon outweigh the pros and this essay will address the perspective of the effects of family lifestyle. First of all, people are isolated by their business. In other words, they would live very lonely life because the community pressures people to work hard. For example, when they have to focus on their tasks they might not enjoy their leisure time with the family because they cannot afford to spend much time with their family members. Furthermore, the communication of family may decrease which means inhabitants might not talk with the members each other. Moreover, individuals’ social skills also disappear due to the lack of internal communication. The family relationships tend to connect the social relationships, so people would lose the interaction with other friends. For instance, when they are familiar to be being alone, their social skills might not improve by the shortage of family conversation. On the other hand, in spite of the fact that some disadvantages exist hardworking pays back people a lot of money. When people work hard they can earn more salary because they prefer to concentrate on external work. In conclusion, busy life provides people less conversation between their family interaction, but we need to encourage inhabitants to have much time because family is the reason for living for all people. We also try to reduce theses cons of internal relationship.
It is
often
argued that the busy
lives
influence our society.
Some
people
might
say that our lifestyles may
change
quite
quickly
and it is giving less communication to
family
relationships
. In my opinion, the cons of this phenomenon outweigh the pros and this essay will address the perspective of the effects of
family
lifestyle.

First of all
,
people
are isolated
by their business.
In other words
, they would
live
very
lonely life
because
the community pressures
people
to work
hard
.
For example
, when they
have to
focus on their tasks they
might
not enjoy their leisure time with the
family
because
they cannot afford to spend much time with their
family
members.
Furthermore
, the communication of
family
may decrease which means inhabitants
might
not talk with the members each other.

Moreover
, individuals’ social
skills
also
disappear due to the lack of internal communication. The
family
relationships
tend to connect the social
relationships
,
so
people
would lose the interaction with other friends.
For instance
, when they are familiar to be being alone, their social
skills
might
not
improve
by the shortage of
family
conversation.

On the other hand
,
in spite of
the fact that
some
disadvantages exist hardworking pays back
people
a lot of
money. When
people
work
hard
they can earn more salary
because
they prefer to concentrate on external work.

In conclusion
, busy life provides
people
less conversation between their
family
interaction,
but
we need to encourage inhabitants to have much time
because
family
is the reason for living for all
people
. We
also
try to
reduce
theses
cons of internal
relationship
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay People's lifestyles are changing very rapidly and that is affecting their family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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