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People's lifestyles are changing very rapidly and that is affecting their family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

People's lifestyles are changing very rapidly and that is affecting their family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
It is often argued that the busy lives influence our society. Some people might say that our lifestyles may change quite quickly and it is giving less communication to family relationships. In my opinion, the cons of this phenomenon outweigh the pros and this essay will address the perspective of the effects of family lifestyle. First of all, people are isolated by their business. In other words, they would live very lonely life because the community pressures people to work hard. For example, when they have to focus on their tasks they might not enjoy their leisure time with the family because they cannot afford to spend much time with their family members. Furthermore, the communication of family may decrease which means inhabitants might not talk with the members each other. Moreover, individuals’ social skills also disappear due to the lack of internal communication. The family relationships tend to connect the social relationships, so people would lose the interaction with other friends. For instance, when they are familiar to be being alone, their social skills might not improve by the shortage of family conversation. On the other hand, in spite of the fact that some disadvantages exist hardworking pays back people a lot of money. When people work hard they can earn more salary because they prefer to concentrate on external work. In conclusion, busy life provides people less conversation between their family interaction, but we need to encourage inhabitants to have much time because family is the reason for living for all people. We also try to reduce theses cons of internal relationship.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the busy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
influence our society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
say that our lifestyles may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
quite
quickly
and it is giving less communication to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
. In my opinion, the cons of this phenomenon outweigh the pros and this essay will address the perspective of the effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
lifestyle.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are isolated
by their business.
In other words
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
lonely life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the community pressures
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
For example
, when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
focus on their tasks they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not enjoy their leisure time with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot afford to spend much time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
Furthermore
, the communication of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
may decrease which means inhabitants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not talk with the members each other.

Moreover
, individuals’ social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
also
disappear due to the lack of internal communication. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
tend to connect the social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would lose the interaction with other friends.
For instance
, when they are familiar to be being alone, their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
by the shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
conversation.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages exist hardworking pays back
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
they can earn more salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they prefer to concentrate on external work.

In conclusion
, busy life provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
less conversation between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
interaction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we need to encourage inhabitants to have much time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the reason for living for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. We
also
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
Did you mean "these"?
theses
cons of internal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay People's lifestyles are changing very rapidly and that is affecting their family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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