Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? v.3

People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? v. 3
I think there are two types of people who do a job. The first types of people work for money primarily, and another type of people work for self-realization, to use their skills. I state my position on the following points. First of all, people who work for self-realization like their job. Money is not important for them, they need satisfaction. I believe that this kind of people makes our evolution and history. They aspire after new inventions and discoveries overcoming all obstacles in their ways. I think that these people are very interesting because they know a lot, read many books and have their own life experience. Of course, they need money for some essential needs such as food and cloth, but they do not need them for luxury houses or expensive furnishings. Many scientists are people who devote their lives to new knowledge and discoveries. There are pieces of evidence of lots of opulent inventors and scientist who loves their work more than anything else and have devoted their lives to the work they loved. Their primary reason for working was their passion for the work. Second of all, I believe that people need self-realization. It gives them the opportunity to contribute in world's history and share their knowledge and experience with other people. I think it helps them to realise that they are needed by humankind and will not be forgotten. This is priceless. To sum up, I think that people's aspiration after self-realization is the main reason why we have now good medicine, different means of communications, many devices to make our lives easier, etc.
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
there are two types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do a job. The
first
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for money
primarily
, and another type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for self-realization, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I state my position on the following points.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for self-realization like their job. Money is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for them, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
satisfaction. I believe that this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
our evolution and history. They aspire after new inventions and discoveries overcoming all obstacles in their ways. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know a lot, read
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
books and have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life experience.
Of course
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
money for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
such as food and cloth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
them for luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
or expensive furnishings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
scientists are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
devote their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to new knowledge and discoveries. There are pieces of evidence of lots of opulent inventors and scientist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more than anything else and have devoted their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
. Their primary reason for working was their passion for the work.

Second of all, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
self-realization. It gives them the opportunity to contribute in world's history and share their knowledge and experience with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that they
are needed
by humankind and will not
be forgotten
. This is priceless.

To sum up, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's aspiration after self-realization is the main reason why we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
medicine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
means of communications,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
devices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
easier, etc.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts