Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? v.2

People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? v. 2
First of all, self-contentment and self-realization are two important factors people work even though they have sufficient money. These kinds of people work to invent something new and try to satisfy their unquenchable thrust for knowledge. Their curiosity, hard work and talent drive them to invent something new that helps millions of others throughout the ages. Scientists, artists, mathematicians, astronomers and explorers throughout the history have done so to make this world a better place. No doubt some of them had personal ambitions, but self-contentment and curiosity were the main driving forces for them to work hard. Second, saving for the future, both for their old age and for the future generation, is another reason people work. Someone who has a lot of money cannot guarantee that it will remain the same for ages. Thus many people work to save for the rainy days and the make sure that their future generation will have better standards of life. Further working on something that we enjoy ensures far more quality time than being idle. Thus many of us work because we enjoy what we do. Money is not the primary motivation for working in this case. Finally, doing something better or helping other is another important reason many of us work. If we look back in the history, we will find numerous famous people who left their conform zone and worked for the betterment of others. They were selfless people who could have easily accumulated wealth but instead they have vowed to help others. In conclusion, self-contentment, curiosity and selflessness of many are the three important reasons we have a different world than we had in the primitive ages. Some people work to save for the future while others to help others and to fulfil self-realizations.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, self-contentment and self-realization are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
even though
they have sufficient money. These kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to invent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
new and try to satisfy their unquenchable thrust for knowledge. Their curiosity,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and talent drive them to invent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
new that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
millions of others throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
. Scientists, artists, mathematicians, astronomers and explorers throughout the history have done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this world a better place. No doubt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them had personal ambitions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
self-contentment and curiosity were the main driving forces for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

Second, saving for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, both for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generation, is another reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Someone who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money cannot guarantee that it will remain the same for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to save for the rainy days and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generation will have better standards of life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
working on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
that we enjoy ensures far more quality time than being idle.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we enjoy what we do. Money is not the primary motivation for working
in this case
.

Finally
, doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
better or helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
is another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. If we look back in the history, we will find numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their conform zone and worked for the betterment of others. They were selfless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who could have
easily
accumulated wealth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
they have vowed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others.

In conclusion
, self-contentment, curiosity and selflessness of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are the three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons we have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
world than we had in the primitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to save for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
while others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others and to fulfil self-realizations.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts