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People who lead groups should talk about their own ides while other listen, or they should listen to people in the group's ideas instead of talking? v.2

People who lead groups should talk about their own ides while other listen, or they should listen to people in the group's ideas instead of talking? v. 2
In my opinion, I think it is better that a leader in a group listens to members' ideas rather than keeps talking and presenting his or her own idea only. The following are reasons and advantages of listening over talking. First, the group leader will receive various views point and have best solution to a specific problem rather than one of his own idea. There will always be chances that more people will come up with different ideas than one person' s idea. So, by listening his under supervised members, the leader will have expanding perspectives to improve a specific condition they have. For example, when I was working in a retail store in Thailand, my boss always set up meeting among workers in the store every day before the store opened. She explained the store situation or problems very short, and then she asked us to share our ideas for the solutions to those problems. The result was that we came up with many different ideas that some were make sense and practical and some were unpractical. However, we did a vote so that all of us could pick only the most efficient one to improve our store quality. My boss admitted that she might not be able to come up with a better solution if she had to solve these obstacles by her own. Second, the leader could encourage the members to participate in a group and have responsible to their own ideas. For example, take the situation in my previous retail store as example, when the employees decided to choose the solution that most people agreed with, then they had to do an action to follow their proposal as best as they could. For example, we often had a very declined sale after the end of high tourists season starting from July though October every year. The boss did meetings and we ended up with the solution that we would do more advertising to people in our area and cut the price of some potential products to encourage local people to spend their money at our store. Once a week that one employee will need to distribute advertising flyers around to town. Even though this was not addressed on our job duties, we were willing to do by our heart because this came from our ideas. We also proposed to increase our quality of service such as fast speed at cashier points and we did as we suggested. The result was that we could boost our sale higher than usual sale. In conclusion, I think those reasons are sufficient enough to support the statement why the leader should listen to their members' ideas rather than keep talking and presenting their own idea only.
In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is better that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
in a group listens to
Possible spelling mistake found.
members&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
talking and presenting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. The following are reasons and advantages of listening over talking.

First
, the group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
will receive various views point and
A determiner is probably missing here: "have the best".
have best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
to a specific problem
rather
than one of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
. There will always be chances that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
than one
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, by listening his under supervised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
will have expanding perspectives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
a specific condition they have. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, when I was working in a retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
in Thailand, my boss always set up meeting among workers in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
every day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
opened. She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
situation or problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
short, and then she asked us to share our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
to those problems. The result was that we came up with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "where" or "we"?
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sense and practical and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
were unpractical.
However
, we did a vote
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that all of us could pick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the most efficient one to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
quality. My boss admitted that she might not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
if she had to solve these obstacles by her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

Second, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
could encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
to participate in a group and have responsible to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, take the situation in my previous retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, when the employees decided to choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with, then they had to do an action to follow their proposal as
Did you mean "good"?
best
as they could. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
declined sale after the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of high tourists season starting from July though October every year. The boss did
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
meetings and
we ended up with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
that we would do more advertising to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our area and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the price of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potential products to encourage local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend their money at our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
store
.
“Once” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Once
a week that one employee will need to distribute advertising flyers around to town.
Even though
this was not addressed on our job duties, we were willing to do by our heart
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this came from our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
. We
also
proposed to increase our quality of service such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
speed at cashier
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
points and
we did as we suggested. The result was that we could boost our sale higher than usual sale.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
those reasons are sufficient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to support the statement why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
should listen to their
Possible spelling mistake found.
members&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
talking and presenting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay People who lead groups should talk about their own ides while other listen, or they should listen to people in the group's ideas instead of talking? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
456 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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