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During discussion some people like to lead the conversation and do a lot of talking. Other people prefer to listen more and talk only when they have to. Which do you prefer? v.1

During discussion some people like to lead the conversation and do a lot of talking. Other people prefer to listen more and talk only when they have to. Which do you prefer? v. 1
Health is one of the most pivotal aspect of the human life. Recently, it has been observed that the average standard of person's health is declining at a rapid rate across the globe and the situation further worsens in the coming years. In this essay, I advocate my agreement with this statement. Firstly, in today's life where almost everyone wants to achieve everything in a shorter span of time, people have become work alcoholic and giving less importance to their body and more to work and in the future the situation even become worse. For instance, one of my relatives who is just 26 years old and working with a multinational firm recently develop a serious cervical pain due to the continuous working over a period of time. Furthermore, in the recent era, it has been observed that more and more people, especially youngsters consumes Junk Food which is high in fat and preservatives and less in vitamins and nutrients on the daily basis, as a result of which, they are subjected to diseases like Cardio Vascular problems, high cholesterol, Blood Pressure and Diabetes. To illustrate, last month one of my friend's brother died because of Heart Attack, because of the high cholesterol level due to his habit of eating junk food on the daily basis. To conclude, people's health is already deteriorating and it's become more critical in the future, so, individuals should give more importance to health and should avoid taking fast food and work for longer duration to live a happy and healthy life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
is one of the most pivotal aspect of the human life. Recently, it has
been observed
that the average standard of person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is declining at a rapid rate across the globe and the situation
further
worsens in the coming years. In this essay, I advocate my agreement with this statement.

Firstly
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's life where almost everyone wants to achieve everything in a shorter span of time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have become work alcoholic and giving less importance to their body and more to work and in the future the situation even become worse.
For instance
, one of my relatives who
Did you mean "am", "are", "aren"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'relatives' should be used.
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
26 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and working with a multinational firm recently develop a serious cervical pain due to the continuous working over a period of time.

Furthermore
, in the recent era, it has
been observed
that more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
youngsters consumes Junk Food which is high in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and preservatives and less in vitamins and nutrients on the daily basis,
as a result
of which, they
are subjected
to diseases like Cardio Vascular problems, high cholesterol, Blood Pressure and Diabetes. To illustrate, last month one of my friend's brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of Heart Attack,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the high cholesterol level due to his habit of eating junk food on the daily basis.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is already deteriorating and it's become more critical in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, individuals should give more importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and should avoid taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and work for longer duration to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happy and healthy life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay During discussion some people like to lead the conversation and do a lot of talking. Other people prefer to listen more and talk only when they have to. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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