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People who do not use social media networks will always fall behind in career development opportunities. To what extent do you feel that this is an accurate and important prediction? v.3

People who do not use social media networks will always fall behind in career development opportunities. v. 3
In this day and age, many people think it is difficult to conceive of a life without social media, and those who do not get involved with any internet community will always restrict themselves to their career progression. While I acutely grasp the importance of social networks, I personally think it is quite subjective and excessive by saying “always” because the virtual world does have some drawbacks, as we shall see. On the one hand, the internet and social media provide people with a range of benefits and opportunities to empower themselves in a variety of ways. Beside a wealth of knowledge and updated information which can be accessed freely, people are able to easily connect with others having same interests or goals without geographical barriers. It is true that nowadays, many people have significantly succeeded by posting clips relating to a wide range of topics from arts, cooking to political or philosophical viewpoints to social networks such as YouTube or Facebook. Not only are they paid for the appealing contents which attract millions of views, their reputation is also enormously enhanced. However, a person’s career progression consists of many different elements such as professional certificates, working experience and social skills which require time and effort to achieve. Besides, working in a professional environment demands interpersonal skills, persuasive abilities or presentation methods which are used in face-to-face situations rather than remotely. More crucially perhaps, the repercussions of inappropriate comments or imprecise information posted to social networks may be tremendously severe. For example, a governmental officer is likely to ruin his political career and reputation if he says something incorrectly or aggressively in his personal Facebook page. Overall, social media networks play an irrefutable role in modern societies but I am convinced that career progression chances are obtained by personal effort and competence. Therefore, we should consider social media as an effective means of communication, not a driving force to success.
In this day and age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is difficult to conceive of a life without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, and those who do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved with any internet community will always restrict themselves to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression. While I
acutely
grasp the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
networks
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is quite subjective and excessive by saying “always”
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the virtual world does have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, as we shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.

On the one hand, the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a range of benefits and opportunities to empower themselves in a variety of ways. Beside a wealth of knowledge and updated information which can
be accessed
freely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to
easily
connect with others having same interests or goals without geographical barriers. It is true that nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
significantly
succeeded by posting clips relating to a wide range of topics from arts, cooking to political or philosophical viewpoints to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
networks
such as YouTube or Facebook. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are they paid for the appealing contents which attract millions of views, their reputation is
also
enormously
enhanced.

However
, a person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression consists of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
elements such as professional certificates, working experience and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which require time and effort to achieve.
Besides
, working in a professional environment demands interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, persuasive abilities or presentation methods which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in face-to-face situations
rather
than
remotely
. More
crucially
perhaps, the repercussions of inappropriate comments or imprecise information posted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
networks
may be
tremendously
severe.
For example
, a governmental officer is likely to ruin his political
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and reputation if he says something
incorrectly
or
aggressively
in his personal Facebook page.

Overall
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
networks
play an irrefutable role in modern societies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
am convinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression chances
are obtained
by personal effort and competence.
Therefore
, we should consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
as an effective means of communication, not a driving force to success.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay People who do not use social media networks will always fall behind in career development opportunities. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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