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A high school has 2 choices to fill the summer vacation of the students to fulfill their free time. They can designate some extra classes for students or ask them to prepare a presentation after their visit from some museums. Which one do you prefer? v.2

A high school has 2 choices to fill the summer vacation of the students to fulfill their free time. They can designate some extra classes for students or ask them to prepare a presentation after their visit from some museums. Which one do you prefer? v. 2
In such a civilized society, in spite of several disagreements, people have in various areas so far as one’s view goes, one point that virtually everybody approves upon is the importance of education. This is owing to the fact that it plays an important role in the foundation of each society. With this in mind, a broad range of controversial attitudes might stimulate heated debate as to how can students pass their summer vacation. Two sides often form in this regard. Those who trust that attending to extra classes is better. While others think the presentation of a report related to visiting some museums is superior to another choice. I personally consider myself among the latter group. Among the many reasons one can give for this point, two conspicuous reasons will be elaborated through ensuing lines. The first and prominent reason which comes to the mind is that presentation can give them a great opportunity to learn other extra skills. It goes without saying that students, especially in high school, just study to pass their credits and as a result, they are not able to speak in public which is a very important task of every student after entering to the university. Therefore, one of the most effective skills is to gain the ability of speech in public. It cannot be deniable that every person has a huge amount of stress in the first speech. So, by practicing these skills in high school, students will be able to become more confident and productive in their future studies. On the other hand, attending extra classes not only deprive them to achieve these kinds of skills but also is more tedious for all of them. Another imperative reason which deserves some words here is that they become more familiar with the culture of the ancient people. Needless to say that museums are the main source of every country’s history and every person should know about its history to learn from the past and use for the construction of the future. According to a reputable research conducted at the Sharif University of Technology, it was found that the number of students who want study history in their higher educations has been increased significantly during the past years. So, visiting museums can provide a high-quality atmosphere for the students to pursue their interests. In conclusion, there are numerous reasons which can be persuasive enough to corroborate my view. All in all, having analyzed the given reasons above, which are obtaining more skills and becoming familiar with the history and culture of antique societies, one can clearly conclude that students should visit museums instead of attending in extra classes. Thus, I highly recommend that high schools should provide some trips to visit and present their obtained information.
In such a civilized society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
several disagreements,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have in various areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far as one’s view goes, one point that
virtually
everybody approves upon is the importance of education. This is owing to the fact that it plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the foundation of each society. With this in mind, a broad range of controversial attitudes might stimulate heated debate as to how can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
pass their summer vacation. Two sides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
form in this regard. Those who trust that attending to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
classes is better.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the presentation of a report related to visiting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
is superior to another choice. I
personally
consider myself among the latter group. Among the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
one can give for this point, two conspicuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
will
be elaborated
through ensuing lines.

The
first
and prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the mind is that presentation can give them a great opportunity to learn other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. It goes without saying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
especially
in high school,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
study to pass their credits and
as a result
, they are not able to speak in public which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
task of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
after entering to the university.
Therefore
, one of the most effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is to gain the ability of speech in public. It cannot be deniable that every person has a huge amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
in the
first
speech.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, by practicing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in high school,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will be able to become more confident and productive in their future studies.
On the other hand
, attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
classes not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
deprive them to achieve these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
is more tedious for all of them.

Another imperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
which deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
words here is that they become more familiar with the culture of the ancient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Needless to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are the main source of every country’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and every person should know about its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
to learn from the past and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for the construction of the future. According to a reputable research conducted at the Sharif University of Technology, it
was found
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who want study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
in their higher educations has
been increased
significantly
during the past years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can provide a high-quality atmosphere for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to pursue their interests.

In conclusion
, there are numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
which can be persuasive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to corroborate my view. All in all, having analyzed the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
above, which are obtaining more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and becoming familiar with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and culture of antique societies, one can
clearly
conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
instead
of attending in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
classes.
Thus
, I
highly
recommend that high schools should provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
trips to visit and present their obtained information.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay A high school has 2 choices to fill the summer vacation of the students to fulfill their free time. They can designate some extra classes for students or ask them to prepare a presentation after their visit from some museums. Which one do you prefer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
462 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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