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"People spend too much time on personal enjoyment - doing the things they like to do -rather than doing things they should do". agree or disagree v.1

"People spend too much time on personal enjoyment - doing the things they like to do -rather than doing things they should do". agree or disagree v. 1
People are now living on the cusp of industrial transformation with a hectic pace of city life and a plethora of difficult situations. To deal with these depressing circumstances, people are often confused whether they should accept or need to solve them. This essay attempts to provide ideas regard both these views and explain why the second way of thinking is much more beneficial. On the one hand, it is obvious that people who follow the first concept are likely to get a wholesome life. They admit the awful situations as one part of their life rather than either be dreadful of them or compare themselves with others; thereby they do not have a tendency to get anxiety disorders. Moreover, given that they are not obligated to spend time solving those challenging circumstances, they can put their emphasis on themselves and savour every moment of their daily life, such as spending more time with family, take up new interests, etc. However, this way of thinking can lead people to become laid-back human beings since they lose precious chances of upgrading their life conditions. On the other hand, it is undeniable that difficult situations and competitive thinking turn humans into a better version of themselves. Trying to deal with troublesome situations gives people opportunities to enhance their skills. For example, a manager can acquire experience and knowledge from solving previous severe flaws in operating tasks and avoid repeating them in the future. Furthermore, since people can boost their personal skills, they receive the admiration from others and stand a golden chance of promotion opportunities. Even if they are not capable of improving stressful situations, they have learned something such as how to productively organize work. Additionally, people can coincidentally change the rough circumstances and enjoy their life if they have logical schedule, thereby are not prone to get messy life. In the era of modern life, human beings need to face up with a tremendous amount of problems. It is better for people to be unsatisfied with these situations and try to solve them to improve their personal skills and life conditions than take a step back from the rat race.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
living on the cusp of industrial transformation with a hectic pace of city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and a plethora of difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
. To deal with these depressing circumstances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
confused whether they should accept or need to solve them. This essay attempts to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
regard both these views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why the second way of thinking is much more beneficial.

On the one hand, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who follow the
first
concept are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a wholesome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They admit the awful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
as one part of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
rather
than either be dreadful of them or compare themselves with others; thereby they do not have a tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
anxiety disorders.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that they are not obligated to spend time solving those challenging circumstances, they can put their emphasis on themselves and
Possible spelling mistake found.
savour
every moment of their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, such as spending more time with family, take up new interests, etc.
However
, this way of thinking can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become laid-back human beings since they lose precious chances of upgrading their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
conditions.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
and competitive thinking turn humans into a better version of themselves. Trying to deal with troublesome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opportunities to enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For example
, a manager can acquire experience and knowledge from solving previous severe flaws in operating tasks and avoid repeating them in the future.
Furthermore
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can boost their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, they receive the admiration from others and stand a golden chance of promotion opportunities. Even if they are not capable of improving stressful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
, they have learned something such as how to
productively
organize work.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
coincidentally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the rough circumstances and enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
if they have logical schedule, thereby are not prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
messy life.

In the era of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, human beings need to face up with a tremendous amount of problems. It is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
be unsatisfied
with these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
and try to solve them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
conditions than take a step back from the rat race.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay "People spend too much time on personal enjoyment - doing the things they like to do -rather than doing things they should do". agree or disagree v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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