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People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effects does it have on individuals and society? v.11

People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effects does it have on individuals and society? v. 11
In many countries around the globe, people are unable to sleep for an adequate number of hours. This phenomenon is predominantly owing to the workload faced by the majority of the population. Consequently, there are some ramifications on individuals and on society. People are not able to sleep for longer hours than they used to because there are engaged in excessive workload from multiple jobs. People, nowadays, are required to perform multiple jobs to meet their living expenses, which take some part of the night to perform them. For example, to cover my study debt, I used to work for multiple jobs when I was in Dubai. Doing this, I usually end sleeping for three to four hours. There are only 24 hours a day, and if we spent most of it working, we would not be able to sleep for remaining hours. This trend could have negative consequences for individuals and society. With regards to the latter, people will witness weaker health. When a person sleeps less, his/her body will not be able to fully recover; as a result, he/she will be predisposed to a myriad of diseases. For example, a research conducted by Punjab Medical College showed that sleeping less will make the immune system weaker, rendering the person vulnerable to several fatal diseases. Moreover, the habit of having more work and sleeping less will convert society into disaggregated units where people cannot socialise fully. This trend can be witnessed in Western countries where people of all ages prefer to surf time on social websites instead of meeting with their friends individually. To conclude, the trend of sleeping less is because of the extra work pressure which this generation has. This trend is making people prone to a plethora of diseases and impeding them from spending time with their loved ones.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries around the globe,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
for an adequate number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. This phenomenon is
predominantly
owing to the workload faced by the majority of the population.
Consequently
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ramifications on individuals and on society.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
for longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there
are engaged
in excessive workload from multiple jobs.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
, nowadays,
are required
to perform multiple jobs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their living expenses, which take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part of the night to perform them.
For example
, to cover my study debt, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work for multiple jobs when I was in Dubai. Doing this, I
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleeping
for three to four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day, and if we spent most of it working, we would not be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleep
for remaining hours.

This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences for individuals and society.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the latter,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will witness weaker health. When a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleeps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
, his/her body will not be able to
fully
recover;
as a result
, he/she will
be predisposed
to a myriad of diseases.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by Punjab Medical College
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the immune system weaker, rendering the person vulnerable to several fatal diseases.
Moreover
, the habit of having more work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
will convert society into disaggregated units where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
fully
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
can
be witnessed
in Western countries where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages prefer to surf time on social websites
instead
of meeting with their friends
individually
.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the extra work pressure which this generation has. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
is making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prone to a plethora of diseases and impeding them from spending time with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay People sleep less than before in many countries. Why do people sleep less? What effects does it have on individuals and society? v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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