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Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree? v.7

Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. v. 7
Many people are of the opinion that media broadcast of famous people is having an adverse effect on youngsters. I strongly believe that media coverage of celebrities has a detrimental effect on children because it consumes their time, although we cannot overlook how they benefit from the inspiration. On the one hand, the effect that media coverage of celebrities has had on children can be seen as negative. Because there is massive showcase of these people, children tend to spend more time on the internet catching up on the latest celebrity news rather than than using that time for academic research. As a result, they perform dismally in their studies. In Canada, most primary school children obtain lower grades because they spend more time watching celebrity channels on tv such as the famous Kim Kardashian show. Furthermore, children are initiated into bad practices when they are exposed to media that broadcasts celebrities. This is because some famous people are bad role models as they are into dangerous activities involving drugs. As a result, youngsters will imitate their favorite celebrities’ lifestyles which will leave them in serious trouble. On the other hand, media broadcast of celebrities has clear advantages to young people. Firstly, as children follow celebrities on social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, they are motivated to study extremely hard to be successful in life. In other words, famous people act as role models for the young generation. For example, 75% of Michelle Obama’s followers on Twitter are young children and a survey conducted revealed that children follow her because she is an inspiration to them. Secondly, young children can learn about other cultures and new languages when they listen to celebrities on podcasts during their spare time. In conclusion, although young people are negatively affected by the wide media coverage of famous people, i strongly believe there are benefits associated with it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
broadcast of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is having an adverse effect on youngsters. I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
coverage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
has a detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it consumes their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, although we cannot overlook how they benefit from the inspiration.

On the one hand, the effect that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
coverage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
has had on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
there is massive showcase of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the internet catching up on the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
news
rather
Possible typo: you repeated a word
than than
using that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for academic research.
As a result
, they perform
dismally
in their studies. In Canada, most primary school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obtain lower grades
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
channels on
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
such as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
Kim Kardashian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are initiated
into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
practices when they
are exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
that broadcasts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role models as they are into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
activities involving drugs.
As a result
, youngsters will imitate their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
lifestyles which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them in serious trouble.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
broadcast of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
advantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
on social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, they
are motivated
to study
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to be successful in life.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
act as role models for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.
For example
, 75% of Michelle Obama’s followers on Twitter are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and a survey conducted revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
follow her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she is an inspiration to them.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn about other cultures and new languages when they listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
on podcasts during their spare time.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the wide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
coverage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
strongly
believe there are benefits associated with it.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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